The ManicaPost
DEAR DEIDRE: I STILL love my wife even though she cheats.
WE have been together for 20 years. She’s 40 and I’m 43. We have a lovely house and no money worries.
She had an affair three years ago. I confronted her when I saw a text from her lover and she admitted it. The bloke’s wife then contacted me, offering me sex in revenge for what they’d done to us but I turned her down.
My daughter then caught my wife texting another guy. I blew up at her but then forgave her and we even renewed our wedding vows.
My wife has now moved out and rents a cheap flat in town but she still wants sex with me. I’ve told her she needs counselling. Do I take her back?
DEIDRE SAYS: Having sex with you makes her feel desirable but she doesn’t sound any more committed to your marriage or to have resolved the issues that led her to cheat. Stop the sex and have couple counselling to decide whether you can save your marriage or should split for good.
DEAR DEIDRE: MY boyfriend is forcing sex on me.
We get on well, mostly. We’ve been together for six years and he’s my rock — but there are times we don’t get along.
He’s 27 and I’m 21.
Even when we argue and he sulks, he always wants sex.
When I say no, he jumps on me and claws at my clothes.
I tell him I don’t want to do it but sometimes I have to give in because he’s halfway through it anyway. He’s so strong. But I don’t want to lose him.
DEIDRE SAYS: This isn’t love. It’s abuse — rape if you say no and he continues. You believe you love him but love is about care and respect between two people who feel equal. You deserve better than this. If this was your friend or your sister, what would you be telling them?
Just Jane: I found out about my husband’s mistress when she turned up at his funeral.
I HAD no idea my husband had been sleeping with another woman until she turned up at his funeral.
She sobbed throughout the whole service and cremation with everyone muttering: “Who the heck is THAT?”
She came up to me at the wake and announced that my late husband had been a brilliant lover and that she’d been his paid-for mistress for six years. I was so shocked that I laughed out loud and told her I thought she’d got the wrong funeral. But then she whipped out a picture of my boring, unimaginative late husband.
Now I can’t get rid of the woman. She keeps turning up at my house wanting mementoes and money. She actually expects me to comfort and support her! How do I get her off my back?
JANE SAYS: You are vulnerable and exposed and need to be mindful of the fact that this woman could be a con artist. Just because she has a picture of your husband doesn’t prove anything.
There’s nothing to stop her from making up any number of stories. How can you possibly prove their sexual union one way or another? They could simply have crossed paths in a work or recreational environment.
Get help and support from family members and friends. Do not give her any money or belongings and insist she now leaves you alone. Warn her that if she turns up again, then you’ll consider it harassment.
Unfortunately, if she has the hide of a rhino and persists, then you’ll have to speak to a solicitor or even consider calling the police.
I know that might sound extreme, but you cannot allow someone like this to overwhelm you and continue to chip away and take advantage. I suspect you’ve got more than enough other matters to deal with — including your own grief.
Just Jane: Arrogant girlfriend so full of herself I can’t ‘rise to the occasion in bed’
MY girlfriend is never wrong. She’s a world expert on every subject under the sun and cannot be corrected or criticised. Everytime we meet up she tells me how clever, wonderful and successful she is. She looks me in the eye and brags, without a hint of irony, about how much her boss rates her. Her ego is now completely off the scale and I find her arrogance deeply unattractive.
In the past two years she’s really turned her life around. She’s gained an extra qualification and landed a fantastic job. She’s joined a gym, bought new clothes and basically reinvented herself.
In many ways I feel very proud of her, but this new image has definitely come at a price.
Often I look at her and struggle to recognise her. She acts like a brat and the boasting that comes out of her mouth is jarring.
She never used to be like this and I often wish she’d go back to being the girl I first fell in love with back in 2012.
Mixing with our old friends is a nightmare, because she feels she is better than everyone else now.
Recently, at an engagement party, she clashed with my mate’s wife who is the sweetest woman alive. My girl told her that she looked dowdy and mousey and needed to raise her game if she was to “make something of herself”. This to a lovely woman whose mother only recently died.
I used to love having sex with her but now I struggle to rise to the occasion because she is now so unlovable. Often I spot her admiring her naked body in the full-length bedroom mirror and several times I’ve caught her taking pictures of herself on the job. Too often she’s disrespectful and hard-hearted, and I almost feel ashamed that I’m still with her because I know I’m not being true to myself.
Yet my family and everyone I work with say that I’d be mad to dump someone as fit and successful as she is.
JANE SAYS: Could it be that your girl is feeling a little smug at the moment but will calm down again in time? She’s obviously flying high and enjoying her new found success (good for her) but she’s by no means invincible.
Life has a funny habit of knocking the edges off us when we least expect it. Bosses come and go and situations change and we find ourselves having to reset and adapt to our surroundings.
Keep things real with her. Tell her that you often find her obnoxious and irritating.
It’s great that she’s looking and feeling good, but being totally self-obsessed and rude to others is never on, no matter how rich or clever you are.
Point out that she was unkind to your old friend at that engagement party. She acted like a brat and that was unworthy of her. Is she prepared to see where you’re coming from?
As for her behaviour in the bedroom, explain that it is tiresome too. Is she interested in continuing this relationship with you?
Make it clear that you have your limits and your standards. Does she? Can’t she see how badly she often comes across? — Online.
