The ManicaPost
Dear Tete Joyie:
My husband told me to confess to my parents that I lied about being raped.
I am a 27-year-old woman and I am married to a 29-year-old man.
I have suffered from depression since I was young.
My mum had an alcohol problem and dad could be violent.
I was ashamed of it and was always lying in school to explain why I was so miserable.
When I was 16, I told everyone that I was raped on my way home from school.
I spun the story out for so long I began to believe it myself.
In the end, I blurted it out to my parents and they were very upset.
My parents have sorted themselves out now and are now very decent.
My husband says he knows I made up the rape story because he married me a virgin and I must tell my parents because they are decent people.
If I don’t, he says he will leave me.
Tete Joyie says:
Making up stories to gain sympathy is common when the problem lies with parents and the child feels they can’t talk about it.
Tell your husband the truth of what your early life was like.
It is an important part of your life experience.
I hear your pain, and I am here to offer some guidance during this difficult time.
Remember that I am not a substitute for professional advice, but I can share some thoughts with you.
Self-reflection: It is essential to take a step back and reflect on why you created this false story about being raped.
Understand the emotions and circumstances that led you to weave this intricate lie.
Depression, shame, and a troubled family background can significantly impact our choices and actions.
Honesty with yourself: Acknowledge that you fabricated the rape story.
It is a heavy burden to carry, especially when it involves your parents.
The truth can be painful, but it is the first step toward healing.
Compassion for your younger self: At 16, you were likely struggling with emotional turmoil.
You sought an escape from your reality, and the lie became a refuge.
Be compassionate towards your younger self, she was hurting and desperate for relief.
Understanding your husband’s perspective: Your husband’s demand for honesty stems from his concern for both you and your parents.
He married you believing in your purity, and now he feels betrayed.
While his ultimatum is harsh, try to see it as an expression of his own pain and confusion.
Facing your parents: Telling your parents the truth won’t be easy.
They may feel hurt, disappointed, or even angry.
However, consider their capacity for forgiveness and understanding.
People change, and your parents have evolved into decent individuals.
They may surprise you with their compassion.
Honesty as a path to healing: Remember that honesty is a path towards healing.
By confessing, you release the weight of your lie and allow yourself to grow.
It won’t be easy, but it is a courageous step toward authenticity.
Your decision: Ultimately, the choice is yours.
Think about what you want for your future, both within your marriage and your relationship with your parents.
Consider the consequences of each decision and weigh them carefully.
Support system: Lean on friends, family, or a therapist during this process.
You don’t have to face this alone.
Seek emotional support and guidance from those who care about your well-being.
Remember, you are not defined solely by this lie.
You have the strength to face the truth and move forward.
Take care of yourself, and consider professional help to navigate this challenging situation.
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Disrespectful daughter hurts mom
Dear Tete Joyie:
How do I get over my heartbreak after my daughter ditched me to live with her dad and his new partner?
My daughter is 15 and she has been gone for two weeks.
My ex-husband was abusive to me, was not interested in his child and I have never had a penny from him.
His new girlfriend pushed him into introducing her to our daughter.
She means well, but my girl thinks she is the best thing since sliced bread and she has moved in with them.
I am 39 and have not told her how abusive her father was to me.
Now she shouts at me, blaming me for her not seeing her dad.
She is disrespectful, though the truth is he was never bothered about her until now.
Tete Joyie Says:
Your daughter, her dad and his new partner are in a honeymoon period, but try to be patient.
Tell her shouting gets nowhere and try to arrange to see her regularly.
Don’t rush to tell her the truth about her dad as you risk sounding vindictive, but she is old enough to know the truth when things have calmed down.
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In love with fiancé’s sister
Dear Tete Joyie:
Next month, I am getting married, but I have been in love with my fiancee’s sister ever since we met.
I’m 32 and my fiance is 30.
Her sister is 28 and is in a long-term relationship, but it blows my mind whenever I see her.
We always have such a good laugh.
It makes me feel worse to see how close my fiance and her sister are.
I can’t say anything.
In my mind I have often chosen the sister over my fiance as someone I want to be with long-term.
I am sure her sister does not feel the same way about me. I still love my fiance, but I can’t stop obsessing about her sister.
Tete Joyie Says:
Maybe her sister has such a pull because she shares qualities that you love in your fiance, but you can fantasise that she doesn’t have any of the aspects of your fiance’s character you are not so keen on.
Or maybe you are nervous of committing totally to your fiance, so it feels safer to tell yourself you love someone else too.
However, it is unfair to get married with such divided feelings.
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If you are looking for advice on the tricky situation that you find yourself in, Whatsaap 071 06 196 and Tete Joyie will assist you in solving the problem. Remember all those who write to us remain anonymous.
