The ManicaPost
Dear Tete Joyie
I am aged 30, and have been having an affair with a married man for over five years.
Each year he promises to spend Independence Day with me, but when the time comes he finds excuses for us not to be together.
To my joy, he promised that this year was definitely my turn.
Now, to my huge disappointment, he tells me that he may have to spend the Independence Day with his wife and children as his wife has made plans he can’t get out of, but if possible, he will visit me at some stage.
This has left me heartbroken and depressed as everything is only ever on his terms.
My sister who stays a long distance away, has invited me to stay for Independence Day commemorations, and now I just don’t know what to do, as I love my boyfriend, but don’t want to risk being alone on Independence Day either.
My friends are furious that I allow this man to treat me with such disrespect.
They want me to leave him and find someone else.
I have been invited to a lot of parties, but normally decline as my boyfriend gets jealous, and in the past I have ended up staying home alone, thinking of him with his wife.
Please, help.
Tete Joyie says:
This man is not your boyfriend, he is somebody else’s husband, and after reading your letter, I predict that is all he will ever be.
My very firm advice will be to accept your sister’s kind offer and spend time away from this selfish man who won’t leave his wife, wants you to be there when it is convenient for him.
He is only concerned with his own needs, and is full of broken promises.
Otherwise, you could wait around all over Independence Day with the possibility of feeling miserable, lonely and let down.
How can it ever be your turn when this cheat is married to someone else?
Could this be the year you will finally accept that you are wasting your life on someone who is already taken?
I am sorry if this reply may not be the one you were expecting, but I hope it helps you to recognise that you need to move on from this destructive relationship to a far healthier one.
Protect what dignity you have left, turn your back on this man, listen to your friends, go and have fun at parties, and before long, you may even find your very own future husband that you are worthy of and deserve no less.
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Daughter constantly rude
Dear Tete Joyie
I have one daughter aged 16. Her father left us when she was a baby, and we were on our own until I met my new partner two years ago.
Everything was perfect until just recently, when we told her we were expecting a baby of our own.
Since then, she refuses to speak to us, slams doors and is constantly rude.
We have tried to reassure her that having this baby won’t make any difference to her life or between us, but any mention of the baby, she either becomes angry or bursts into tears.
She has become an absolute nightmare.
I have tried to be patient, but she is spoiling what should be one of the happiest times of our lives. Please advise.
Tete Joyie says
You are clearly frustrated by your daughter’s behaviour which you believe to be unreasonable and unfair. Nevertheless, labelling her does not help.
Understanding her feelings can. Step into your daughter’s shoes and try to see things from her point of view.
After all, having a baby may be exciting and wonderful for you and your partner, but your daughter perceives this news as a threat to her place in the family.
Of course, she is upset —for 16 years she has been the number one in your life.
She is scared that she is no longer important and must be feeling rejected and very unsettled.
At this time, plenty of love and empathy is what is needed.
Don’t pressure your daughter to be more accepting of the news, or make her feel guilty about not having a happy response.
Instead, give her time and space to get used to the idea.
Ask her if she would like to help decorate the nursery.
Tell her you would value her opinion on name choices.
Involving your daughter in plans around the forthcoming birth will make her feel very much included, and will also help her to come to terms with your pregnancy.
Be honest and tell her things will be different, but the love you have for her will never change.
As your daughter gets used to the idea of having a sister or brother, she may become far less angry and anxious.
Gently explain to her that although the baby will initially demand your attention, you will also ensure the two of them get to enjoy special time together.
When she trusts the fact she is still loved and wanted, she will hopefully soon grow to accept and adore her new sibling, so that you can all get to enjoy the special times that lie ahead.
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If you are looking for advice on the tricky situation that you find yourself in, WhatsApp 0716069196 and Tete Joyie will assist you in solving your problem. Remember all those who write remain anonymous.
