The ManicaPost
Dear Coleen
I cannot move past my feelings for a guy who I dated when we were 20 and at university together.
I am 29 now and got married at 26 — then divorced at 27.
A few months later, while recovering from the fallout from the marriage, which was abusive, I saw on social media that this guy had got married.
My heart sank and I was surprised that seeing those pictures would affect me in that way, especially as we had been out of touch for a long time.
It is now two years on since seeing those pictures and those feelings for him have not gone away. I wish him the best, even if that means the best is not me.
However, I am confused about why I still feel something for him. I guess some part of me always thought we would get back together in the future, but I never bothered trying and I regret it.
It never usually takes me this long to get over my feelings for a guy – I can usually talk myself into remembering those characteristics that were not good and which led to the break-up in the first place. But there is nothing ugly about this guy.
Even though I have a boyfriend at the moment, who is a lovely person, I still ca not help but think about this ex-boyfriend.
Coleen says
Well, he is the one who got away and perhaps there was never a proper ending to the relationship.
Also, I think you are still in a vulnerable place after coming out of an abusive marriage and you are perhaps romanticising this ex.
I think deep down you know all that, but when we are vulnerable it is easy to let our emotions get the better of us.
The problem is, if you keep dwelling on this, it will prevent you from moving on and finding happiness.
You say your boyfriend is a lovely person, so why not give him and yourself time to make a go of the relationship? Put your energy into that.
The fact is, this ex is now married, so you have no choice but to move on.
Dear Coleen
About five years ago, after 20 years of marriage, I found out the truth about my wife. She took a sleeping pill one day and started talking, revealing that she had been sleeping with another man regularly while she had been living with me, 18 months before I proposed.
Six months into that affair the man got his ex-girlfriend pregnant, but my wife (then girlfriend) continued to sleep with him until the baby was born.
Realising the gold mine of truth that was coming out of my wife’s mouth, I asked many more questions and got a wealth of information, depending on how you look at it! It was an amazing insight that shook me to the core. I found myself wondering who the hell this woman was I had married.
After that I moved on to techno surveillance and things have continued to pop up, most recently texts, voice messages and photos between her and a man she met at work.
It is nothing that proves a physical affair, but at the very least the start of one. I have also heard conversations with her friends where she is running me down and saying that as soon as our youngest child leaves for college, our relationship is over. But at home she is completely lovely dove.
I have held it together, sort of, for a long time now, thinking that the more I learn the easier it will be to leave her. What’s your advice?
Coleen says
I think you need to ask yourself why, in five years, you have not confronted her. It is like you are torturing yourself. Keeping this bottled up inside is not going to solve anything and I do not think it will make it easier to leave because you will have years of built-up resentment and anger, and the danger is it will all come out in an explosive and destructive way. It is better to be in control of the situation.
You have to let her know what you have found out and ask her about it. What else might she be hiding? Anyway, you have found out enough to know she is not committed. How will you feel if she turns round and tells you she is leaving when you had the chance to tackle the situation and resolve it? So, my advice is, do not live with it — do something about it. You might find a way through it together and opt for relationship therapy, or you may decide to call it quits. But it is impossible to carry on playing happy families when you have this information.
