The ManicaPost
Dear Coleen
My boyfriend and I have been together for three years now, but his sister is still good friends with his ex.
To start with, he was vocal about the fact he was uncomfortable with her inviting his ex over to their mum’s house. But because he’s the type of man to avoid the problem rather than deal with it, he hasn’t actually done anything about the way it’s making us feel.
I’m different in that if I have a problem I would rather be up front and discuss it so we can move on.
The past couple of years have been a nightmare for me, as I haven’t been able to say anything because I didn’t want to make things uncomfortable in the family.
It has been slowly getting worse and his sister and his ex are spending more and more time together. When we see his sister at his mum’s she’s always talking about my boyfriend’s ex and what they’ve been doing together.
Now she ex is pregnant and it’s looking like his sister is going to be godmother to the baby. My boyfriend and I really think this is a step too far.
I don’t know how to deal with it, but I’d like to get it sorted as we’re relocating soon and I don’t want to take all this bad feeling with us.
I should point out that no one in my boyfriend’s family seems to think any of this is wrong, apart from him, and they’ve never said anything to his sister, even though they know how we feel.
There is no one to mediate and none of his family talk about their problems the way I was brought up to do.
Am I overreacting or is my frustration justified? How can we move forward?
Coleen says
I totally understand how you feel, but I kind of get their point of view, too. It can be tough for the family when a couple breaks up, especially if they’ve been together a while.
I remember when my older sisters stopped seeing boyfriends that I’d have gotten to know really well and not being able to believe I’d have to say goodbye to them forever. And I have felt the same when my sons have split up with girlfriends that I have really got along with.
However, the situation you’re in makes it very hard for you and your boyfriend to move on psychologically. His ex is still in your lives by hanging out with his family and she’s being talked about in front of you.
If your boyfriend and his family find it hard to discuss sensitive issues, then you’ll probably have to be the one to bring it up.
You can’t dictate who his family invite to the house, but you can make sure you’re not there when his ex is. You can also be honest that you don’t like the fact she still visits and that you would rather they didn’t bring her up in conversation while you’re there.
Say that the situation makes you feel uncomfortable and you worry they’ll never accept you fully while the ex is still around.
The bottom line is, you’re with their son now and therefore part of their lives too, so they should take on board what you have to say. His sister in particular ought to be more sensitive. But don’t let it split the two of you up or spoil your move.
Dear Coleen
Last year I received a message telling me my boyfriend of four years had gotten someone pregnant.
Naturally, I was devastated and ended the relationship, even though I still had feelings for him.
I knew in the past he’d found it hard to remain faithful in other relationships and he decided to have therapy to help him overcome these issues.
I thought it was a very mature way of handling things.
Six months after breaking up we began seeing each other again, as it just felt right at the time.
We have now been back in a relationship for eight months.
We both regularly see my boyfriend’s child, as I believe nurturing the bond between them is very important.
However, I find myself constantly worrying about whether taking my boyfriend back was really the right thing to do, and can’t help feeling very embarrassed that I did it after everything he put me through.
I still love him — that’s never been in question — and I have started to form a bond with his child, too, so it would be even harder to leave.
How do I figure out if my decision was the right one?
Coleen says
I applaud you for accepting his child and understanding how important their relationship is.
That takes a lot of strength.
I sense that you’re worrying more about what other people think — who cares? It’s not their life.
When it comes to other people, your attitude should be: It’s my choice and if it turns out to be a mistake, then I’ll live with it.
If you love him and it feels like the right decision for you, then it’s the right decision and it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.
It sounds like he’s trying, too, but he does need to know that you’re prepared to give it a good go because you still love him but, if he messes up again, there will be no more chances.
It might work out brilliantly, but it will take time for you to feel secure. You’re both making an effort and have accepted responsibility for his child, which is a great foundation to build on.
And if it doesn’t work out, at least you can walk away knowing that you gave it your best shot.
Dear Coleen
I’m pregnant by my best mate’s fiancé. We’ve been seeing each other for a few years, but it has taken until now for me to get pregnant, and my best friend doesn’t know yet.
My partner knows I was seeing my friend’s fiancé, but I told him it was over when we got together.
I don’t want my best friend finding out, especially as she has a kid already with her partner and she is pregnant with her second.
And I don’t want my partner finding out because it would kill him.
Coleen says
With best friends like you, who needs enemies? Look, stop kidding yourself — you’re not her best friend at all.
It’s not like you slept with her fiancé once after a drunken night (that would be bad enough), but you’ve been seeing him for years and it sounds as if you planned the pregnancy or at least didn’t do anything to prevent it.
If you carry on with it, how are you going to hide it from your partner and your friend? Your friend deserves to know what a rat her boyfriend is and how you’ve betrayed her. What a mess you’ve caused. If you have any moral fibre in your body, be honest with everyone and make a fresh start with your child.
It may be harsh, but someone should tell you the truth. If you think you’re mature enough to have a child, be mature enough to own up to what you’ve done. — THE SUN.
