When a relationship seems abusive: Get help!

Dr Mazvita Machinga
While some people may be in relationships that are healthy some have relationships that are abusive. Abusive may be too harsh, but that is what may be happening. It is very important to know the warning signs and get help before permanent harm is done.  Your boyfriend or girlfriend, wife or husband is not always mean or hurtful but occasionally they suddenly start to rage or shout at you. They want to give you orders and want to make all the decisions.

There are always red flags to watch for when a relationship is getting abusive. You may think of abuse as beating, spanking or pounding, but abuse is not always physical.

Calling you names, criticising your clothes, embarrassing you in front of other people, twisting your words, throwing things, threatening you are signs of verbal or emotional abuse.  Abuse can be physical, sexual, emotional or psychological. Remember in an abusive relationship you feel afraid, disrespected, manipulated or controlled by the other person.

Abuse comes in many forms. Apart from physical abuse, the following are some red flags to watch for:

1) Continually belittling you or calling you stupid, “fat” or no good at all privately or in public.

2) Limiting who you can talk to without any reason.

3) Putting you down in front of others and even in private.

4) Scaring you, making you worried about his or her reactions to things you say or do.

5) Extremely jealousy — this is not a sign of love but of insecurity and an attempt to control.

6) Making direct threats, blaming you for things you have not done at all.

7) Trying to separate you from relatives, friends and others — isolating you.

8) Not allowing you to have friends, constantly checking up on you.

9) Dismissive, abusive behavior, denial but acknowledging what is happening.

10) Demanding your phone without allowing you to handle his or her phone.

11) Mistreating you and then accuses you for causing the mistreatment or else he or she would not be doing so.

12) Recognising the difference between health negative emotions and unhealthy ones.

Remember that abuse is not a normal part of relationship. These actions are detrimental to health and well-being. So, what does one need to do when you observe these behaviours:

1. a) Watch for the red flags and talk about these with your spouse in a loving manner.
2. b) Recognise the cycle of abuse and speak out — after hurting you, your boyfriend or spouse may apologise and promise that “it will never happen again.” Appear to be kind and nice. You are happy that things have changed, until he or she insults, threatens or beats you again. Then the cycle starts anew. The abuse gets worse as the cycle continues.
3. c) Share with people you trust e.g. relatives, mentors, sahwiras, counsellors etc.
4. d) Explore your options with an adult you trust.
5. e) Know that you are lovable- if your loved ones have been calling you names, blaming your or putting you down it does not change your value asa special human being.
6. f) Realise that you cannot change your partner.
7. g) The most important thing is that GET HELP, GET HELP!!!!

 

Dr Mazvita Machinga is a qualified psychotherapist based in Mutare. For more help on counselling and couple therapy, contact us at 0778 848310 or 0771754519 Email :[email protected]