The ManicaPost
Dear Tete Joyie
I’ve been with my boyfriend for three years.
We briefly broke up after a year because I felt like he didn’t put any effort into our relationship, but he really fought to win me back so I gave him another chance.
Second time around, I’ve never loved him more.
But recently, I feel as if he’s being really selfish.
He’s five years older than me and has a car and a great job, whereas I’m a student at university with no job.
We live a five-minute drive from each other and there have been a number of occasions where I’ve been at his house until late and he never offers to drop me home.
He always expects me to get the bus really late at night and when there aren’t any buses, he tells me to get a cab.
But I can’t afford to do that every time.
He has paid for some cabs home for me, but the other day he called saying he was fed up of me trying to “guilt trip” him into dropping me home and that I owe him $45 for cab fares.
The thing is, he never pays for anything and didn’t even get me a birthday present this year.
I couldn’t afford to get him one, but I bothered to get him a card with a meaningful message inside.
He’s making good money, but the way he’s been speaking to me is as if I’m spoilt or out of order for expecting a lift home.
It’s really getting to me, but when I try to explain how I feel, he just disagrees.
He said he doesn’t want to end things, but this recent argument has made me question our relationship.
Am I deluded for wanting my boyfriend to drop me home and pay for dinner sometimes, or should I end it?
Tete Joyie says
I don’t think you’re deluded for wanting him to do these things, but I don’t think you can necessarily expect it.
I think there’s probably a deeper issue here, but it’s become about the lifts home and cab fares because you’re both avoiding what’s really going on.
You’re both at different stages of your lives —he’s settled in a job and earning money and you’re a student, and maybe it’s that incompatibility that’s the real problem.
Being miserable about taking you out for dinner is one thing, but I don’t like the fact he would let you walk home or get a bus late at night.
If you can’t afford the cab fare, then invite him to your place, so you don’t have to worry about getting home.
As for going out for dinner, don’t nag him to take you out, let him invite you and, when he does, say you’d like to go but can’t afford to pay for it, which makes you feel bad.
I think if you’re the partner with money, you just need to hear someone say, “Look, I’d love to come out, but I feel bad because I can’t afford it”.
If none of that works, I think that perhaps it’s time to walk away and find someone who understands the stage you’re at in life and won’t make you feel bad about it.
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In love with two men
Dear Tete Joyie
I’ve been seeing my boyfriend for three years and I always thought he was the one.
But earlier this year, I started a new job and was trained by an older man.
I have so much in common with him. But I’m 23 and he is 40 — and he’s married.
We spent so much time together and I found myself liking him more and more every day.
We have said we love each other.
My boyfriend and I agreed to have a break and during that time I spent a night of passion in a hotel with this older man.
However, the next day my boyfriend apologised for everything and now I feel so guilty.
To complicate things further, my older man is now getting divorced from his wife to be with me and I’m not sure what I want.
Is it really possible to be in love with two people?
Tete Joyie says
Now the reality of a divorce is on the cards, it’s not quite as exciting any more, right?
I think a lot of people who end up having affairs mistake excitement (and lust) for love.
What you need to do is split up with your boyfriend for a while, stop contacting the other guy and spend some time on your own to work out exactly what want.
I would also tell your older man not to get divorced expecting you to run off into the sunset with him.
It sounds like he needs to separate from his wife, regardless.
But be clear that you need to take some time to decide what’s right for you.
Having two men vying for your attention is an ego boost and you probably go to bed at night feeling like a million dollars.
But the fall-out won’t be so sexy if your boyfriend and his wife find out about it all.
The bottom line is, you won’t know what you want until you have some time on your own. You’re bound to miss one more than the other.
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Madly in love with ex hubby
Dear Tete Joyie
I’m recently married, but I can’t stop thinking about my ex.
We split up five years ago, but last year he sent me a text on what would have been our anniversary and all my feelings for him came flooding back.
We met up once last year and he apologised for the way he’d previously treated me.
He also told me that he had a child, although the baby was not wanted at first, and that he was just staying with the mum for the child’s sake.
We are due to meet up again in four weeks.
I’ve known him for 14 years and loved him pretty much as soon as we met.
We were together for nine years on and off, and there’s a 27-year age gap between us.
I love him dearly, but I worry about hurting my new husband, who is deeply in love with me.
I don’t know what to do. Please help.
Tete Joyie says
You say you’re worried about hurting your new husband and yet you’ve arranged to meet up with this guy again.
Be very clear, what you’re doing could blow your marriage apart.
And for what?
A guy who you broke up with because it didn’t work out, and a relationship that probably won’t work out again.
When feelings are involved it’s harder to think logically, but if you really think your marriage is that fragile and seriously want to find out if it could work with your ex, then you need to tell your husband before doing anything.
Don’t go behind his back, even if you’re only going for a drink or a coffee.
These nostalgic, romantic feelings you’re having for your ex will wear off a lot quicker than the heartbreak and loneliness if you dumped your hubby and realised you’d made a mistake.
I don’t think your ex sounds like a good bet — he treated you badly when you were together so you left him, and now he’s with someone else, but just for the sake of his child.
I don’t care if he looks like George Clooney, he doesn’t sound like a nice person or someone you could trust to build a life with.
Think carefully before you jeopardise what you have for him.
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