Relationships need both people to make it work

MARRIAGE DR —
This week, I am chatting with you, just like maybe ‘Tete/Aunty/Big sister/Counsellor/good friend.’ It is the beginning of the year and honestly I cannot start the year off by answering questions about what went wrong last year. Its 2017! 2016 is gone, yapfuura!

How can we as mature adults continue in the same issues as we had before New Years day.

The word itself says  it all ‘NEW year.’ It is not about the other person, it is about you. You cannot change the other person; but you can influence them by changing yourself, your attitude and your response. It makes nonsense to me how we can continue doing the same things for months and years hoping the other person will change.

If they have not changed by now with the way you are doing things or acting or speaking; then it is best you change the things you have been doing — right! Now do not get me wrong, I am not saying you are the problem. No what I am saying is that you need to start living your life for you and not for the other person.

Relationships need both people to make it work, if one partner does not seem to care or make an effort, then the other partner needs to either leave or choose to stay but in victory and not as a victim.

Before I ended 2016, I made sure that I made peace with the people or person that I spent the whole year stressing about.

I made it clear I would not be taking anyone’s nonsense. I also put down some personal boundaries, so that people know how far they can go with me and no more.

Small things like, if someone calls or messages me that is not family or friends after 6pm, because that is my family time.

I also do not message or accept calls weekend, because that’s my private time, and I give God His special time Sundays.

If someone close to me chooses to spend time with other people more than with me; it’s fine, because then I have more time to spend with other people or doing my personal stuff. Why get angry, why complain, why shout about it, why threaten to leave, why say painful things to each other, why walk away? It’s not necessary folks.

Half the things we make noise about or stress about are not worth it, I promise you! Think back at the things you have stressed about, has anything changed? Thing about the things you have shouted about, has anything changed? No!

Here is my good example, I now use whenever I counsel people on this issue — take the issue of bond notes. When we were told they were coming, some people rioted, had running battles with police, some ended in jail, many held countless meeting, people said things legally and illegally. But did anything change? No, because we now have bonds whether you like it or not. It is now up to each individual to make it work.

My point is this, if partners cannot communicate peaceably, allowing each other to say their peace, and then finding a compromise, then it is best to allow the one to continue what they want to do, and the other respond accordingly peacefully and with wisdom.

If you are mature enough to get into a relationship, then you need to be mature enough to handle the issues that come up.

Having said that however, I know that many of you entered your relationships without thinking correctly. Some entered the relationship after having sex, so you were thinking with your sexual organs not your brain.

Others entered the relationship after making someone pregnant, so you got into the relationship because of a pregnancy. Others got into the relationship because you wanted to get away from home, so you got into the relationship as shelter from your parents/guardians.

Others got into the relationship because the other partner promised you financial security, so you went into the marriage for money.

Some actually went into the marriage because you felt you had found your soul mate, so you went into it for love. Nothing wrong with all these reasons, but they are not the right reason for someone to get into a relationship.

All the above reasons have many loopholes, which is not filled, will cause huge relationship issues in time.

The success of every relationship is based in the level of expectation verses the level of reality, which equals ones disappointment.

The closer your reality is to your expectations, the smaller the disappointment and the easier it is to build your relationship. But when one’s expectation is bigger than what they end up getting, that’s where we get issues. 

Example
For instance if you thought your man would stop drinking after your got married, (that’s your expectation). After you get married, he keeps drinking (that’s your reality).

Your level of disappointment is going to be huge in this case, because what you expected and what you got is nowhere close. That disappointment will cause you great issues in your marriage, unless you deal with your disappointment maturely, because truth is your man probably has no intentions of stopping.

So it’s up to you to find out how best you can change your thinking or behaviour so that his drinking or drunken behaviour does not hurt or affect you as much.

I used alcohol abuse as my example today because it is the most prominent apart from having affairs. But the truth is there are so many issues you write to me about, that I know are not going to change overnight, unless the person complaining starts to change their focus. Changing your focus does not mean accepting the situation.

It simply means what you were doing before has not worked, so you need to change it.

2017 has begun, you either want your relationship to work or not. If you want it to work, start changing your thinking and attitude towards your partner. Separate him/her from the issue.

Then work on the issue. However if you do not want your relationship to work, it’s best you be honest with your partner and the two of your part ways peaceably for the better of all concerned.

I say it again; this is 2017, a new year and a new season! It would be madness for you to have crossed over into this year dragging all 2016 issues with you.

Even I cannot help someone who continues to hold on to the past.

Yes the situation may have followed you into 2017, but your mindset towards it cannot be the same.

You who have ears, let him/her hear! Lol.

Until next week, God bless!

The Marriage Doctor can messaged / watsapped on 0733 285 730.