The ManicaPost
Dear Tete Joyie:
I don’t think I was ever really in love with my husband.
We have been together for 19 years, married for 17, and have three teenage kids.
He is a lovely man and works so hard for our family, but I no longer want to be married to him.
Now the kids are older and will all be leaving home for university in the near future, I don’t think I can stand him any longer.
I stay for security, as well as not wanting to disappoint anyone, but it is killing me inside.
Tete Joyie says:
Security and fears over disappointing people are not the right reasons to stay in such an unhappy situation.
It is sad for you and, in the long run, it is not fair on him either.
As upsetting as it is, and I am sure he will be heartbroken, you have to walk away if this is how you are truly feeling.
You only get one life and I don’t think you should feel guilty about wanting to be happier for the rest of it.
It sounds like you have never had that spark and that is what you are regretting.
Maybe, it is a case of telling him that you want to separate for a while.
It is hard to know what you really want when you are with someone every day.
It could be a gentler transition and give you both a chance to see how things would be if you were apart.
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Tired of paranoid girlfriend
Dear Tete Joyie:
My girlfriend and I have been together for about 10 years now.
However, over the past year she has been constantly calling me at work and turning up wherever I happen to be working.
If I tell her that I don’t know when I will finish for the day, she will phone my boss and pester him.
I have told her this has to stop as it is draining and I find it embarrassing, too.
I can’t even visit my family on my own anymore without her calling me every half hour.
Am I wrong or do I have every right to be annoyed?
Tete Joyie says:
I think you have every right to be annoyed. It sounds like your girlfriend is incredibly insecure, so ask yourself what has happened in the past year to make her change and behave like this.
After 10 years in a relationship, you don’t suddenly become that paranoid for no reason.
If you have done anything to cause that insecurity like lying to her or cheating, then she clearly needs more reassurance because she doesn’t trust you.
But if you genuinely don’t know what the problem is, then you need to find out.
Don’t pander to her insecurities.
Explain very clearly to her that what she is doing will push you away and make you resent her.
And it is, not only affecting how you feel, but it is having an impact on your job too.
It simply can’t carry on.
Maybe you have to say to her that if she mistrusts you this much, then what is the point of the relationship?
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Confused about my feelings towards boyfriend
Dear Tete Joyie:
I have a male friend I have known for 15 years.
Over the past four months, he has been coming to my house twice a week and on some occasions we have sex.
We message each other all the time and have playful banter, but he told me in the past that he did not want a relationship with me because he ‘doesn’t like me in that way’.
But that was before we started having sex.
When he looks me in the eyes, I can see I mean something to him.
I need your advice on whether you think this could go further or not.
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Tete Joyie says:
I am sure you do mean something to him, but it might be that you’re just a great friend – with benefits.
You have crossed a line by having sex and, while it might not have changed things in his mind, you clearly want more.
The only way of moving forward is to sit down and talk about whether he just wants to be friends or if is he interested in an exclusive relationship.
If you want a romantic relationship with him and he doesn’t, you cannot carry on having sex with him.
How will you feel when all of a sudden he goes back to being your mate because he has met a girl and wants to chat to you about her?
You will feel devastated and used.
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