The ManicaPost
Ann Ruthenburg
HELLO there everyone, how are you all this week? Well last week’s chat on wives doing cross-border work got some men quite vocal.
The truth is that our economy has forced us (men and women) to try and make a living any way we can. All I would advice is that you all be wise in your dealings and remember your family are affected by your actions.
This week we are focusing on a message I received from a lady who said….Dear Dr, my name is Mrs Mhlanga, I am a keen follower of your column and your advice has helped me greatly. However, there is still one issue that does not seem to be working…I have tried everything you have advised from being nice to in-laws, to changing my look because I am a housewife, to holding my tongue when I am angry, but my husband still has not stopped cheating. Why won’t he change?
Hello Mrs Mhlanga, thank you so much for your message and thank you so much for being one of my faithful readers. It makes writing these columns worth it when I know that there are people out there taking the advice.
Now back to the issue at hand. I have always been careful to tell readers that the advice that we give here is subject to the situation, couples or individual couples. What works in one marriage may not work as well in another simply because individuals in each relationship and their backgrounds differ.
But of course there are basics that will always stand such as pillars of marriage; marriage vows; romance needs; love languages and so forth. But if a person has a sexual weakness, no amount of advice from my will change that person, unless they get help (psychological/medical). Now having said all this though, the best advice I can give is that you the abused or hurt spouse needs to get back to being the best person (external and internal) that you can.
Yes, you need to give your cheating partner a reason to come back home, but if he/she does not want to stop cheating, then you need to get better for yourself. Do your hair for you, do your face for you; dress well for you; exercise for you; eat well for you; look after the kids for betterment of the whole; be nice to your in-laws for the sake of respect and honour; further your education no matter what your age, so that you keep a breast with what is happening in the world and so forth. Remember how you used to be before you got married, enjoying life? Well, this is what we want you to be.
The reason I say do it for you is because if you do it for your spouse like you have, then if your spouse does not respond; you will give up. But if you do it for yourself, then you will never be disappointed.
Not only will you feel better, look better and behave more positively, but everyone around you will notice and appreciate (even if your partner does not).
Now you say your partner has not changed and continues to have affairs. I do not know what is making him doing this.
There are so many reasons he could be doing this, but without speaking to him, I wouldn’t know. I do not know if he is naturally a cheat, or if he has a sexual addiction, or if he no longer loves you, or if he is just a confused male. Whichever the situation is; please do not judge your success as an individual by his actions.
Every adult male or female needs to be responsible for their own actions regardless of what is happening around or to them. That means you or your partner cannot live your lives blaming each other for the way your life is.
Each of you needs to take responsibility for yourself or the part you need to play in your family. As the wife, there are responsibilities you have in the family and you need to do them regardless of whether you husband is there or not.
In the same way your husband has a part to play as a husband and a father, but if he chooses not to play his part, he will face the consequences one day . . . believe me the universe has a way of bringing this back round again. So my dear, my advice to you again is, continue to improve yourself, emotionally, socially, mentally, physically, psychologically etc. You can’t look back now my dear. You have gone too far to look back in regret.
Continue to respect his relatives, especially his mother and sisters etc. I always say the universe will repay you handsomely, but more importantly God sees. I pray your husband will one day come back and love you and appreciate you as you deserve to be. But even if he doesn’t, at least you will be great my dear.
That is it from me, until next week, God bless.
Marriage Doctor can be found at Osprey Wedding Venue, Penhalonga or messaged/whatsapped on 0772 933 845.
