The ManicaPost
HI, there everyone; hope you are all doing good.
This week I will continue discussing the issue of marriage counselling because like I said last week, this is an extremely necessary thing for every couple to go through before they get married. In fact, even if you are married already and you are going through issues I would encourage you to go for wedding counselling (marriage counselling) before things escalate into a no return zone. I have had enough of people getting divorced seriously. So we continue with the things you will need to have covered during marriage counselling.
Money –is one of the top three marriage breakers known to marriage counsellors. Money, sex and communications can make your marriage or break it. You cannot get around these three. So about money…Do you want to share a bank account or have separate accounts? Do you need to tell each other every dollar you receive, or do you just admit to your monthly salary nothing else? Who pays for what bills? Is it a problem if the wife earns more money than the husband (wife is the breadwinner). Do you both need to be earning money or can one stay at home? Discuss what your current private debt is. The last thing you want to do is get married only to find out your partner’s secret debt is now eating into you savings. Discuss setting up an emergency fund for future unexpected expenses. Set a monthly budget and stick to it. Every couple needs what we call “fun money”. This is money that each person does not necessarily need to account for. They can use it for whatever their personal needs are for. This takes a lot of trust, but the point is not for either partner to use this for mischief; but to be able to purchase freely those things that the other partner sees no need of. It prevents unnecessary fight I promise you.
Me Time – How many couples will tell you that a common issue between them is me time especially for the men. It is amazing that when a couple seal the relationship, the male tends to continue his life as if not much has changed. He still goes out on boys nights. He still has the guys over for braais or he goes over there. He still travels as often as he used to if not more. The list goes on and on. Of there are some women who also do not change much of their life when they are married, but this is in the minority. So what ends up happening is while the husband is out, the wife is constantly messaging him – what time are you coming home? Where are you? Who are you with? And so on. It is so important for a couple to talk about who needs what time alone, with friends, family etc., and how much time and when.
Fear of unearthing additional problems.One thing premarital counselling does is expose those hidden skeletons in the cupboard. It can lead to more stress and issues initially. And although this can be hurtful in the short term, it can be very helpful in the long run, as long as you are both mature about the information your partner is giving you about their background. The point of this is not to have something to use against your partner later in life, but it is a chance for you both to start a fresh on a clean slate. Once the skeletons are exposed, no one in future will break the two of you up because there is nothing you do not know about each other and this should mean that you are willing to protect each other at all times. It is all about trust.
Tough Truths – be humble. It is neither easy nor fun to learn that you have less-than-stellar communication skills or find out that your groom is not happy with your sex life. Even something as simple as hearing that he would like more decompression time when he gets home from work can make you feel scolded, so you need to be prepared for some tough truths. It is important for you and your future spouse to remove your egos from the equation and allow yourselves to be open to constructive criticism, with the knowledge that in the process, you will become a better husband and wife.
Values – You values are an important issue to discuss during your sessions. You need to discuss how each person handles conflict. Maybe one partner may prefer to walk away until the situation cools down, whereby the other person may want to talk about it until it is resolved. You need to have what we call “zero-tolerance hot buttons” in areas such as financial dishonesty, infidelity, drinking too much, gambling, sexual dishonesty etc.) You also need to discuss the repercussions of those missteps. Divorce is not an option in these. There is a beyond the “hot button” consequence. You need to also discuss what you each consider important values that will keep the relationship strong.
Career: Your career decisions as a couple and as an individual is an important one whether in the beginning of the relationship or later in life. You do not want to spend years regretting not having returned to school to get your degree etc. Discuss your career goals, and what will it take for each partner to reach them. Discuss the impact a travelling career would have on you now and when you have kids. Are you planning to change your career, what will that mean? Is one of you wanting to return to school, will that have an impact on your finances and for how long? What about working weekends, working late, working at home, taking work home, working during holidays? What are your thoughts on that, try and compromise and then come to an agreement that suits you both.
Social life: This is always as big as “me time”, the difference is me time is for the individual to spend time alone or without their partner. Where as social time is time with friends. It is important to agree on how often will we spend time with our friends? Will we keep our regular Friday night happy hour plans with them or adjust to once a month or so to give us more time together as a couple?How will we deal with each other’s friends we don’t like very much? Believe me this is a big one. It is very common for partners not to like at least one of their partners friends. And it is important for the other partner to not insist that your partner like all your friends; let us be real, most people do have that one friend that is a problem, but we like them so we keep them. But that does not mean that your partner needs to like them. So what if a friend asks to stay at your house while they are in town, or if they are out of work, how will you handle that? Date nights are important, decide how often you will have date night. I would suggest once a week, but it might not work for couples who work out of time. What about vacations and holidaying? These might not seem important now, but believe me it’s going to come up later.
Let me tell you folks, it is a mistake to think that marriage counselling is just a scheduling session for when you will have kids, or buy a house, or move to the Eastern Highlands when you retire.
Remember that the goal is not to “win.”Both partners need to keep an open mind and be willing to change things that aren’t working.Keep your sessions completely private — the biggest mistake any of you can do especially women is chat with bridesmaids, your mother, or anyone else about the things you’ve discussed, and don’t even think about posting anything on Facebook that could embarrass your partner. Trust is essential to improving upon any relationship and 100 percent discretion is necessary.
Express gratitude to your partner. Tell your future spouse that you’re thankful they’re willing to attend counseling with you and for the great work you’re doing together.While it’s a great advantage to have a professional counselor guiding you, you might find that it’s easier if you just discuss all the hot topics and future plans in the comfort of your own home.
Remember this: As challenging as premarital counselling can be, it is all for the best and you are putting in the effort that is required to make your marriage work.
Hold on to this list and review these questions again in six months or so after your wedding, when you’ve adjusted to being married, to see if any of your responses and feelings have changed.
The writer can be messaged or reached on WhatsApp on 0772 933 845.
