The ManicaPost
Dear Tete Joyie:
I recently found out that I was my ex’s “other woman”.
We were together for eight years; we went on holidays, enjoyed an active sex life and had a wide circle of friends.
In all that time, he never mentioned his wife or children (now aged 23 and 25).
I accepted we couldn’t live together because his job was very demanding and took him all over the world.
Anyway, I value my independence and my personal space and didn’t want someone under my feet 24 hours a day.
I believed what we had was real.
My whole world fell apart six weeks ago when his son (who had put a private investigator on me) wrote to say that I should leave his father alone.
How can I ever trust again?
Tete Joyie says:
You cannot blame yourself.
If your ex-partner was a practised liar, taking great care to cover his tracks and deceive you, how were you supposed to second-guess he had a secret life?
It’s possible he got a huge kick out of juggling two women, and it made him feel powerful and desirable.
But that’s not relevant now.
The most important thing is to pick yourself up from this massive disappointment and bounce back.
Forget about any form of revenge or attempting to engage with his wife or children and certainly don’t have anything more to do with him.
Rely on trusted friends to get you through this tricky time and you’ll emerge stronger and wiser.
**********
Vegetarian daughter too judgemental
Dear Tete Joyie:
Our 22-year old daughter hasn’t eaten meat for four years and wants the whole family to become vegetarians.
I respect her decision, but don’t feel ready to change my diet. Unfortunately, this is leading to endless rows in our house.
Her latest assault is to declare our kitchen “dirty” for housing animal products.
She says she won’t eat anything that has been in our “contaminated” fridge or cooked on our “infected” cooker. How do I deal with this friction?
Tete Joyie says:
Your daughter is fully entitled to her opinions but she has to understand that while you’re living together in the same space, she has to respect everyone else’s choices, too.
If she wishes to eat a vegetarian diet, that’s fine, but she can’t impose her will.
There’s nothing to stop her from preparing and eating her own food.
Put an end to this conflict by telling her that you’ll compromise but won’t be intimidated, and the alternative to using your equipment is moving on and fending for herself.
**********
Sex life destroyed by weight loss
Dear Tete Joyie :
Losing weight has completely killed our sex life, as my body is covered in rolls of loose skin.
I look fine in clothes but horrible naked.
My sexual confidence is at rock bottom, as I’m too ashamed to let my partner see me in the flesh or touch me.
This time last year, I was morbidly obese.
Now I’m size 12, but the weight loss has taken its toll.
He says he doesn’t notice or care but I do.
Why did I ever bother to slim?
Tete Joyie says :
You slimmed for all the right reasons, as you were worried about your health.
I can understand you feel unattractive now, but every day spent fretting is a day wasted.
If your partner is unconcerned about your “folds”, surely that’s good enough for now?
Keep talking to him.
If you allow him to get close to you again, you’ll feel energised, cherished and loved.
Sex is a fantastic confidence booster, so never say never.
Talk to your GP about how you’re feeling.
**********
Boyfriend’s best friend is a woman
Dear Tete Joyie:
My boyfriend’s best friend is a woman.
She keeps turning up whenever we go out laughing and chatting and she’s seriously beginning to annoy me.
Recently, we went for a meal and she pulled up a chair and ruined the whole atmosphere. I’m terrified there’s a spark between them.
Am I being paranoid or am I right to think that she’s after him?
Tete Joyie says:
You’ve got to trust your instincts.
If you fear your boyfriend’s friend is not to be trusted, you need to have it out with him.
Remind him that you and he are dating and that you don’t appreciate his friend constantly turning up.
Maybe she is very funny and nice, but it’s not appropriate.
Your friends wouldn’t intrude on your time together, so why does she?
Ask him to sort it out.
Sadly, if he doesn’t, you’ll have to conclude that his loyalties lie with her.
In which case, walk away before they irritate you any further.
If you are looking for advice on the tricky situation that you find yourself in, WhatsApp 0716 069 196 and Tete Joyie will assist you in solving the problem. Remember, all those who write to us remain anonymous
