The ManicaPost
Dear Tete Joyie
I hate the fact that my husband spends all his work and spare time with his mum.
She is his personal assistant and the accountant for his company.
I’ve seen a pattern emerging when it comes to his decisions for the two of us and our future.
We had plans for me to take over his mum’s role in the company when I quit my previous job and the idea was for me to work from home as she did.
But when the time came it never happened.
My husband told me it would be better if I looked for another job, which I duly did.
We had also planned to travel the world together before we had kids, but sadly that doesn’t seem to be happening either.
I was told that I should work for as long as I can to prepare for kids.
I believe my mother-in-law influences the decisions he makes.
Even when we are at home and make plans to do things together, he will often end up doing something with my mother-in-law and I’ll just go ahead alone.
It’s upsetting and I’ve tried to talk to him about putting us first, but we always come last. Please help.
Tete Joyie says:
Having two sons myself who are both dating, I have realised how hard it is for the girlfriends when their men are close to their mums.
Even though I think I’m doing everything right and I get on great with the girls, I’m sure they go away sometimes and think, “I wish she would bog off”.
I try my best not to interfere, but because my sons and I are so close, they do confide in me and invite me out.
In your situation, it’s even worse because your hubby works with his mum, so they’re together all the time.
I think you need to stop being dictated to and take some control back.
You keep saying, “I’ve been told”, but you should be part of making decisions that affect you both. Don’t just accept everything he decides for you.
He’s changed the goalposts on a few things, so tell him you’re not ready for kids yet because there are still things you want to do – i.e, travelling.
Get a bit tough and voice what you want.
When the office is closed, it’s up to you and your husband alone to make decisions about your own lives.
I think your hubby is probably struggling to draw a line between work and home.
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My dad is a serial cheat
Dear Tete Joyie
I think my dad is having a serious affair with another woman.
I overheard my parents arguing about it and my mum was sobbing her heart out.
I’m scared they are going to break up, but at the same time I don’t want my dad to keep hurting my mum.
She has no trust in him as he’s been seeing a string of other women behind her back.
She suffers from depression and, although I don’t know how she’ll cope without him, it’s not healthy for her to be living like this.
I feel so helpless and like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders, but I have no one to talk to about it.
I don’t want to speak to my parents, as I don’t want to face the truth. I feel if I discuss it with them it’ll become ‘real’.
My parents continue to play happy family when I’m around, acting like nothing has happened.
I really hate what he has done to my mum, but he’s my dad and I still love him.
Basically, I don’t want to be without either of my parents, but I don’t know what to do. I feel so lost.
Tete Joyie says
Firstly, what you always have to keep in mind is that what’s has gone on in your parents’ marriage has nothing to do with you and they don’t love you any less.
None of it is your fault.
This is between them and they’re obviously trying to keep you away from it, although they’re not doing a very good job by the sounds of it.
Marriages sometimes go through very tough times or fall apart altogether, but stop giving yourself a hard time because you feel helpless.
It’s up to them to sort things out and you have to let them deal with it.
Don’t take the weight on your shoulders.
And if they do end up getting divorced, it might make them both happier in the long run, and that will be better for you too.
But you will never lose either of them.
The love between you and your parents won’t change.
What will change is the practical stuff like living arrangements and so on.
Yes, that’ll take a bit of getting used to, but things will settle down in time, and I speak from experience here.
As for your dad, you might not like what he’s done, but you don’t always know the ins and outs of someone’s relationship and what’s led them down a certain road.
Your mum sounds as if she needs support, so why not just say something like, “I know you and Dad aren’t getting on at the moment, so let me know if there’s anything I can do to help you. I just want what’s best for you both.”
Then just leave it at that.
It might make them both take a long, hard look at how they’re handling the situation at home and decide to approach it differently going forward.
There are always people to talk to – what about a school counsellor or even your best friend?
It’s important not to bottle up your feelings.
What I will say is, although these situations are very difficult for all involved, you can get through them. Good luck.
If you are looking for advice on the tricky situation that you find yourself in, WhatsApp 0716 069 196 and Tete Joyie will assist you in solving the problem. Remember, all those who write to us remain anonymous.
