The ManicaPost
Virgin at 63
Dear Tete Joyie:
I am a man who cared for his mum for more than 10 years and when she died two years ago, I started going out again. I ended up getting friendly with one woman in particular.
When she asked me over to her house, I declined as I am still a virgin at 63 years of age and I worry about things like the size of my manhood.
I was also scared she might tell her friends that I was not good in bed and I would be too embarrassed to ever go out again.
Can you please advise me on how to cope with my situation?
Tete Joyie says:
You are jumping 10 steps ahead because you are panicking and there is no need to.
If you did go over to her house for a drink or a coffee, it is highly unlikely she would expect you to jump into bed with her. Don’t assume that is what she is looking for. And be more confident in yourself, it doesn’t have to lead to sex if you don’t want it to.
If she is a nice woman, she will appreciate the chance of getting to know you better and might respect you more because you are not trying to bed her immediately.
Why not go out for dinner a few times together? Get to a point where you feel comfortable enough to explain the situation with your mum and that it meant relationships were not on the cards. If she doesn’t understand that, then she is not the one for you.
Rather than worrying about sex or the size of your manhood, focus on the positive stuff like enjoying spending time with this woman and socialising in general. If sex is on the agenda, then it will happen naturally when the time is right. Don’t put pressure on yourself.
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My partner is moody
Dear Tete Joyie:
My partner is moody and critical all the time.
Everything is my fault. He used to be fun and kind. He used to like my friends and family, now he says he hates them.
The trouble is, I have been through this before with my first marriage. It is like life is repeating itself and I will never be happy.
Tete Joyie says:
Deep down, your biggest fear is that his opinions of you are right, that there really is something wrong with you.
But remember – his controlling behaviour is all about him, not you.
It may even have been the same with your previous partner, too.
Perhaps it seems to be happening again because for some reason you are attracted to that “type”.
But neither is that your fault, although it could be a good idea to explore that issue in the future through counselling.
The priority now is to get out of this abusive relationship.
If you think there is still love there, and you want to try to save it, sit him down and see if he will listen to your point of view.
If he would agree to go with you to couples’ counselling, there may be a way forward and you may be able to save your marriage.
There may be an underlying cause for his behaviour – he might be suffering from stress or depression, which could be causing him to take it out on you.
But unless he can see that his behaviour is destructive and he agrees to get help, he will not change, and that’s a certainty. If he refuses, then you must get out.
Plan your exit to ensure you have a place to live, and the emotional and financial support to get you through a tough time.
Surround yourself with people who love you, to remind you that you are indeed a lovable person who deserves better.
Don’t let him intimidate you and don’t go back to him unless you are both doing something to address this.
Remember, the old adage that nothing in life will alter if you keep doing the same thing.
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Boyfriend attracted to plus size women
Dear Tete Joyie:
My boyfriend and I have been together for two-and-a-half years and we are very open with each other sexually and emotionally. However, a couple of months ago I noticed he had developed an interest in plus size women – that is following Instagram and Twitter accounts of plus size women wearing lingerie.
More recently, I found out that he had signed himself up to dating websites to meet plus size women.
I was distraught and when I brought it up with him, he apologised over and over. He explained that he just finds plus size women attractive and never intended to use the website to actually go and meet anyone.
He was very honest about it and we never discussed it again.
That was about a month ago, but this week when I was using his laptop and on his internet home page I found more of these internet dating sites with plus size women.
Now I don’t know what to do. We are both in our early 20s and have sex very regularly. From my point of view, this whole situation is a huge turn-off and it doesn’t seem to be going away. What’s your advice?
Tete Joyie says:
Regardless of the size these woman are, he has been signing up to dating sites behind your back, which you simply don’t do if you are in a happy, committed relationship, so it is bound to make you feel hurt and insecure.
Added to that, he is still visiting these sites, which he probably would not be doing if he had no intention of taking things further at some stage.
This might not go away. If he is into plus size women and that is his type, then you are always going to worry that you are not what he really wants. And then what if he meets someone else?
In terms of fantasies, it is one that could easily become a reality. He could go out and meet someone tomorrow if that is what he really wanted to do.
You need to have a serious discussion about your relationship.
Tell him what you have found and how it makes you feel, and be honest with each other about whether or not you think you have a future together.
The bottom line is, you may simply not be compatible, and it is better to find that out now than years down the line.
◆ If you are looking for advice on the tricky situation that you find yourself in, WhatsApp 0716 069 196 and Tete Joyie will assist you in solving the problem. Remember, all those who write to us remain anonymous.
