Dear Tete Joyie:
My wife had meaningless intimacy with a man she met on a girl’s night out because she wanted revenge.
She was convinced I had cheated on her so she decided to get even.
The worst part is that I never strayed in the first place.
And now I know only too well, there is no such thing as meaningless sex!
She jumped to the wrong conclusion after I visited my ex to pick up some belongings.
At the time she was convinced I had sex at the same time.
No amount of talking seemed to reassure her.
So apparently in a moment of hurt and anger, she decided to even the score and had a one-night stand.
This all happened 10 years ago, but I really do not know if I will be able to move on.
She kept this secret for nearly a decade, but the guilty finally got over her, and she confessed everything to me last week.
I am absolutely devastated.
I have been nothing, but faithful to her all these years, and her lack of trust and betrayal are a punch to the gut.
She apologised and says she does not feel anything for the man she slept with.
She insists she loves me, and wants to move forward, but I am struggling to process it all.
A decade of deceit is hard to swallow, and I am not sure how to rebuild our relationship when it is this broken.
I cannot understand how she had stoop so low, and have sex with someone purely to spite me.
For now, I have asked her to leave. I will not have her in our home.
Figuring out how to move on feels impossible. I do not know how a relationship can survive this kind of betrayal after so many years.
Tete Joyie says:
This is a significant betrayal.
Your partner’s confession, though late, might be her attempt to clear her conscience and seek a more honest relationship.
Or she was projecting her poor behaviour onto you by claiming you had cheated first.
You both need to decide if you genuinely want to make things work.
If so, couples counselling can help you navigate the complex emotions and rebuild trust.
Remember, it is OK to take your time to process everything and decide what is best for your future, even if that does not include her.
*******************
Stepchildren reminder of hubby’s affair
Dear Tete Joyie:
My stepchildren are a constant reminder of my husband’s affair.
Although I know they are blameless, I feel very resentful towards them, and cannot cope when they misbehave.
I am 50 and my husband is 53.
He had an affair 10 years ago, which resulted in two children, aged nine and six respectively.
We got back together three years ago, after he and the woman he had the affair with split.
Our own children are grown up, and have now left home.
The problem is, my husband and his ex co-parent the kids, which means there is a considerable amount of time when they are staying in my home.
They are lovely kids, and I fully accept that my husband needs and wants to be a dad to them, but I am becoming increasingly unhappy with the situation.
The children argue and fight all the time, make a lot of noise and mess, and they never help around the house.
My husband refuses to be strict with them — perhaps because he feels guilty about splitting with their mum — and I feel it will not be appropriate for me to discipline them.
I have tried talking to him about how I feel, but he just says it takes time to get used to being a blended family.
I love him, and really want us to work out this time, but I am starting to question whether all this stress is worth it.
Having his affair rubbed in my face all the time — albeit not deliberately — is painful — and he does not seem to understand that.
Tete Joyie says:
Being a step-mum in a blended family is difficult at the best of times, even without the added stress of those children being the result of your husband’s affair.
It is natural that you feel some resentment towards the children, and admirable you do not want this to reflect on your treatment of them.
But if they are staying in your house, you need to have a say over the rules and boundaries too.
It is important you talk to your husband again, and explain exactly how you feel, and try to work on this together.
