Dear Tete Joyie
I am sick of still being my lover’s secret a year after his divorce.
We have been having an affair for the past years, and now that he is divorced, I thought we were going to move in together, but it seems he is not interested. He wants to keep us a secret.
Tete Joyie Says
It sounds like you are in a really difficult and frustrating situation.
It is completely understandable to feel upset when your expectations about the future have not been met.
You deserve to be with someone who values and respects you enough to openly acknowledge your relationship.
Have you talked to him about how you are feeling?
It might help to have an honest conversation with him about your concerns and what you want for your future together.
It could also be useful to think about what you need in a relationship and whether he is willing and able to provide that.
1. Re-evaluate the relationship: Ask yourself if being in a secret relationship is sustainable for you. Consider whether his desire for secrecy is a deal-breaker.
2. Communicate your feelings: Have an open and honest conversation with your lover about your feelings and expectations.
Explain how his secrecy is affecting you.
3. Set boundaries: Discuss and establish clear boundaries and expectations for the relationship.
If he is unwilling to meet your needs, it may be time to re-evaluate.
4. Consider his motivations: Reflect on why he might want to keep the relationship a secret.
Is he afraid of judgment, protecting his children, or hiding something else?
5. Prioritise self-care: Take care of yourself physically, emotionally, and mentally.
Engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfilment.
6. Prepare for possibilities: Be prepared for the possibility that he may never be ready to make the relationship public or commit to living together.
‘My wife is a serial cheat’
Dear Tete Joyie
My wife is a serial cheater.
I have caught her on a number of times, but I fear divorce will cost me my children.
She always promises to stop and apologise, making me believe that she only loves me.
She is a lovely wife and mother to our kids, but her only problem is cheating.
She breaks my heart, but I can’t get myself to divorce her?
Tete Joyie Says
This is indeed a heart-wrenching situation.
It is clear you are in a great deal of emotional pain, and balancing your feelings with what is best for your children can be incredibly difficult.
It is important to prioritise your own well-being too, as it is challenging to take care of others if you are not taking care of yourself.
It might be worth considering couple’s therapy to see if there is a way to rebuild trust and address the issues causing the infidelity.
An objective third party can help you both navigate these difficult conversations and set boundaries that are crucial for healing.
Here are some thoughts to consider:
1. Your emotional well-being: Chronic infidelity can lead to anxiety, depression, and trauma.
Prioritise your mental health and seek support from a therapist or trusted friends and family.
2. Children’s well-being: While you fear losing your children, consider the potential long-term effects of growing up in a household with chronic infidelity.
Children may feel insecure, develop trust issues, or even emulate the behaviour.
3. Pattern of behaviour: Your wife’s repeated promises to stop cheating, followed by apologies, may indicate a lack of accountability and a pattern of manipulation.
This can be damaging to your self-esteem and relationships.
4. Love vs loyalty: Distinguish between your love for your wife and your desire for a healthy, loyal relationship.
Ask yourself if your wife’s actions align with your values and expectations.
5. Custody and co-parenting: If you do decide to divorce, it is possible to maintain a healthy co-parenting relationship.
Custody arrangements can vary, but prioritising your children’s needs and well-being is essential.
Questions to ask yourself:
– Are you staying in the marriage solely out of fear of losing your children?
– Have you communicated your feelings and concerns to your wife, and if so, has she made any meaningful changes?
– What are your non-negotiables in a relationship, and are they being met?
– How do you envision your future, and does it include your current marriage?
Consider seeking:
– Couples therapy to address underlying issues and work on rebuilding trust.
– Individual therapy to focus on your emotional well-being and decision-making process.
– Legal advice to understand your options and rights regarding custody and divorce.
Remember, prioritising your emotional well-being and making informed decisions about your future are crucial.
If you are looking for advice on the tricky situation that you find yourself in, WhatsApp 0716069196, and Tete Joyie will assist you in solving the problem. Remember, all those who write in remain.
