The ManicaPost
DEAR DEIDRE: MY partner’s parents are both chain-smokers and their house stinks so much. I hate taking our baby son there.
As soon as we arrive all I can think about is how quickly we can leave.
I have to wash my son’s clothes as soon as we get home and also any gifts he’s been given by his grandparents.
I’m 26 and my partner is 28. I have asked my partner to suggest to his parents that they at least smoke outside when we’re there, but it sent him into a blind panic.
He doesn’t want to offend them. I feel torn and it is really beginning to wear me down.
DEIDRE SAYS: Secondary smoking increases the risk of asthma and even sudden infant death.
Tell your partner you’re not going to keep risking your son’s health like this.
Suggest his parents come to your home where you can insist they only smoke outside.
Why doesn’t your partner try to persuade his family to stop smoking — saying he loves them too much to see them killing themselves?
DEAR DEIDRE: MY girlfriend, who I’ve been with for a year, has chosen greed over love and eaten my Easter egg.
I’m 24, she’s 21. I miss my parents buying me an egg, so I bought myself a lovely big one this year.
When I got in one night last week and went to the fridge, the egg was gone.
My girlfriend admitted she had eaten it when I was out — she said she had a chocolate moment — and found it funny.
She has crossed a line.
How can I ever trust her again?
DEIDRE SAYS: Obviously your girlfriend misjudged your reaction but it would be a shame to let something like this wreck an otherwise good relationship.
She obviously thought you would find the disappearance of the egg funny, too. Now she has learned this is not the sort of thing you find amusing.
If you love her, perhaps you should just buy another egg — they’ll be on sale now.
DEAR DEIDRE: ONLY my closest friends know that I have been diagnosed with HIV.
Most people I’ve met have a 1980s mentality towards HIV, including my family, so telling them isn’t an option.
I’m a 28-year-old gay guy. The diagnosis caused my relationship to end and I spiralled out of control.
I lost my job and I rarely bathe, get dressed or leave the house now.
It’s not the first time I’ve been depressed but this time it feels more extreme. I’m having horrific thoughts.
DEIDRE SAYS: Most people with HIV in this country receiving up-to-date treatment are healthy and live long, full and active lives.
Depression is clearly setting in but you can find your way through this. Talk to your GP first. The simple act of telling someone face-to-face how you feel can be an enormous help.
My e-leaflet “Dealing With Depression” explains self-help. Make a start by getting out for a brisk daily walk.
- I’ve ended up as my mother-in-law’s carer and I don’t even like the woman. I visit her daily and during that time, receive at least four phone calls from her daughters telling me how to care for her. When I complain my husband begs me to continue for his sake, but I’ve had enough. I feel the whole family is taking advantage of my easy-going nature. Am I being selfish in wanting to stop this?
- It takes a certain kind of saint to be a carer and if you deeply resent your task, then you must make changes. Explain to your husband that this is too much for you. Get him to call social services about getting his mother the help she needs. Then insist that he speaks to his sisters about doing their share. Be strong, set a deadline when your services will be stopping and don’t apologise to anyone for wanting your life back.
- My father is a bad-tempered drunk who doesn’t work or contribute to family life. My poor mother has a miserable life and her health, mental and physical, is deteriorating. When I tell her to leave she simply says, “But he’s my husband.” She’s only 58. How do I make her see that she’s throwing her life away?
- It must be very hard watching your mother suffer in her unhappy home but, if she refuses to leave, you have to accept that she clearly takes her marriage vows very seriously and has decided to stay with your father until the bitter end. You may not approve of her choice but make it clear to her that she’ll always have your love and support, and that you’ll always help her if she does decide to make a new life for herself in the future.
Sarah asks:
Hi Lucy,
I’ve recently got engaged and moved in with my partner, only to realise how lazy he is! I work 45+ hours a week and he generally doesn’t do any more than 36 hours per week. Everyday I come home — I cook, clean, take the dog for a walk AND go for a run. Not only this but he snores so loudly and I never sleep. I go home to my parents’ house every weekend just so I can get some sleep. It’s hard enough trying to do everything . . . never mind doing it on one to two hours’ sleep a night. And people wonder why I don’t want children? Any advice would be appreciated!
Hi Sarah,
Moving in with someone can bring up some teething problems at first, however, if it’s fairly new, then you might be able to nip things in the bud before they get any worse.
Many partners don’t take the initiative to do things around the house unless asked to or given a list of jobs. I would suggest that you ask him to share the chores with you given that he works less hours — it’s only fair. Perhaps you could alternate making meals each night (plan them at the beginning of the week) and set up a cleaning rota so whoever is at home first can get the jobs out of the way.
Snoring can be tricky if you’ve tried everything. If you have a spare room perhaps you could make that your own — spend some time with your partner so your intimate life is not being neglected and then move into another room where you will get some peace. Perhaps you could ask that he take up the spare room given that he is the one making the noise?
If you think sleeping separately will drive you apart then you could try some ear plugs, nasal strips or getting him to sleep on his side rather than his back (if this is his go to sleeping position).
Other factors include being overweight, drinking late and smoking — if any of these sound familiar then he may need some support and encouragement to change his ways.
I would also suggest taking the dog for a walk together then it is seen as less of a chore and something you can do as a couple to get some exercise and use the time to talk.
It sounds like you are really frustrated over this — so perhaps wait until it has reduced somewhat and then talk to him. If you try to speak to him about this while you are angry, then it’s possible nothing will change. — Online
