Missing daughter’s ex-boyfriend
Dear Tete Joyie:
My daughter recently split with her boyfriend. We were the family he never had, and I miss him terribly. For the past five years he has spent New Year’s with us. My daughter tells me this year she has invited her new boyfriend who not any of us are keen on, and she also insists I am not to invite her ex, who is still in love with her. I am so upset as I know he will have nowhere to go, won’t receive any presents and feel disowned by us. Plus, the new boyfriend has a huge family and isn’t even keen on coming to ours. Would very much appreciate your advice.
Tete Joyie Says:
When it comes to the loves and losses of our children, wisdom demands unfashionable restraint. However difficult, we must allow our children the independence of making their own relationship choices. Even if we don’t always agree, it is our role as parents to support our children’s decisions as best we can to avoid them resenting us for interfering. It may be a good idea to see things from your daughter’s perspective. For whatever reason, she split from her ex-boyfriend because things never worked out. Would you rather she be unhappy in a relationship because it suits you for her to be with someone you approve of?
I predict even if you invited your daughter’s ex-boyfriend, he would decline, as to be in the presence of your home could ignite painful feelings for him, which you may not have considered.
You are not responsible for him, and maintaining an attachment could be delaying him from finding his own future happiness. For now, perhaps you could meet up with him before or after Christmas on neutral territory with a small gift, this way you won’t feel like you’re completely disowning him, but gently distancing yourself.
I suspect other family members are mirroring your feelings. For your daughter’s sake, and to be able to enjoy the beginning of a New Year, do try to make her new boyfriend feel welcome. You could surprise yourself and even get to like him. Nevertheless, try not to become too attached as your daughter may well trade him in for another at some stage in the future!
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Turning 60 scary
Dear Tete Joyie:
I am about to be 60, which I am really dreading. My husband wants to arrange a big party, but I don’t want to celebrate being an OAP, and I don’t want everyone to know how old I am!
The situation is made worse by the fact my husband is six years younger than me, although, despite his constant ‘toy boy’ jokes, this has not previously concerned me. My impending six-decade birthday makes me feel like there is an entire generation between us. I still feel young inside, even though I’m about to be a pensioner, and I don’t want 60th birthday cards, to rub salt into the wound. I just want to stay 59. I am feeling very scared and very old. Please can you help me?
Tete Joyie Says:
Many women can feel fearful of the changes that their sixth decade may bring. It’s important to consider why you are feeling anxious as you approach this particular birthday. Ageing has nothing to do with numbers, and everything to do with attitude – worrying will not change the fact that your 60th is almost upon you, and it could spoil what should be a celebration of a milestone birthday. As we mature, we begin to realise how quickly life passes us by, and having negative thoughts wastes precious days. The age gap between your husband and you is just 6 years, which is nothing at all. It is not these years, but the way you are feeling that is causing a problem. Instead of taking to heart his comments about him being your ‘toy boy’, be proud of the fact you are able to attract a younger man, and remind him how fortunate he is to have you in his life. Make him aware of your wishes for your birthday, and that rather than having a big party, you would prefer to go away together on a short break, or enjoy a nice meal at a favourite restaurant.
On reaching 60, you can sit in front of the television all day and do nothing but think old, or you can get out and live your life. Rather than feel you have to hide your age, can you embrace it? Be inspired – look at Helen Mirren, Alison Steadman and Jane Seymour, who certainly don’t create an image of an OAP! Mature years bring increased freedom to explore who we are without outside expectations, so forget about holding on to the past – instead age positively and follow your passions. Perhaps write a list of all the things you have ever wanted to do, then try to achieve as many as you can with enthusiasm. Make it fun, as, after all, you may be approaching 60, but you don’t have to act your age!
If you are looking for advice on the tricky situation that you find yourself in, WhatsApp 0716069196, and Tete Joyie will assist you in solving the problem. Remember, all those who write in remain anonymous
