Dear Tete Joyie:
MY sex-obsessed husband has even tried to seduce my mum.
When my mother first told me that my husband went into the kitchen while she was washing dishes, approached her close from behind and whispered in her ear that he was desperate to have her, I wanted to assume she was joking.
But he is so sex-obsessed, so I could not deny what she was telling me.
It shattered my heart.
How could he do this to me?
I am 25, my husband is 32 and mum is 48.
We have been together for three years, and he paid lobola six months ago.
We have just moved into our first house together.
Soon after, the cracks in the relationship began to show.
We have an attractive neighbour who is of the same age as me.
She lives with her parents, but ever since we moved in, my husband cannot stay away from her.
He would often flirt with her over the fence, and when I snooped through his phone, I found out they had slept together.
He admitted he had got carried away after meeting her in a club one night, but blamed me saying I was not giving him enough sex to satisfy his needs.
This is despite the fact that we have always had a very active sex life, to the point where we sometimes had sex several times a day.
Instead of ending it, we decided to work on our relationship, but now he has proved it was all for nothing.
He has used the same old excuse of having too much to drink.
He has shattered my self-confidence, and I keep asking myself: what is wrong with me?
My husband insists he wants a committed relationship, but has spent most of his adult life single and sleeping around.
I have tried to leave, but he is using his mental health to manipulate me into staying.
I pictured us building our own home and having two or three children.
Now I cannot even stand the sight of him.
Tete Joyie Says:
You know this man is not right for you.
He has cheated and even tried to seduce your own mother.
Manipulating you into staying also shows what kind of person he is.
You deserve someone who does not cheat, who is loyal, and who treats you and your family with respect.
I normally encourage couples to try to work through infidelity, but this man does not seem capable.
***********************
Wife sleeps with lawyer boss
Dear Tete Joyie:
My wife has fallen for an advocate she works with.
Now she says she has fallen out of love with me.
But I know it is more than that — she is sleeping with this man.
She has always been career-driven, and travels with him work a lot.
She is the breadwinner in our relationship. I am her husband, a stay-at-home dad with three children aged 10, seven and three.
I was the one who wanted kids, and she agreed, but said they would be largely my responsibility as she wanted to get back to work.
We are both 37, and when we met 13 years ago, I was an interpreter at the court she worked.
We got together at a staff party and I fell for her.
We dated for eight months, got married and moved into my grandmother’s old house that she had left for me.
To start with our relationship was perfect.
We were loving and considerate towards one another and had a great sex life, but after our children were born, she could not wait to get back to work each time.
I was happy to be at home with them, cooking and cleaning, and doing the school runs, while she was high maintenance and did not seem to want to spend time with us.
I tried to talk to her during our holiday, and she said she just felt different and no longer loved me, but said, “That is normal though is not it?”
Recently, she forgot her phone in the car and a message flashed up from one of the advocates saying, ‘Can’t wait to see you alone tomorrow’.
When I read more of their messages it became clear they share a bedroom while they are away.
I can’t look at her, I am devastated.
Tete Joyie Says:
You are still reeling, but do not rule out that you could still have a future together.
She has not admitted to an affair, so let her know you have seen her messages.
Ask her to be honest with you because whether you split, or try to stay together, you both need to understand where everything has changed.
From that point you will both be able to consider what changes are needed.
Talk to a counsellor — either alone or with your wife – it will help you navigate this challenging time.
An affair does not have to mean the end.
It can be the beginning of an even better, more solid marriage unless either of you decides to give it all up.
