The ManicaPost
Dear B — My husband was the sexiest hunk this side of the planet when we got married 10 years ago, but a life of constant meetings and endless workshops has seen him gain a lot of weight, including a big tummy.
I tried many interventions including inviting him to gym and placing him on a diet, but have failed over the years. How do I tell him that having sex with him is a total turn-off?
Boitumelo Replies:
It is difficult to suggest any more interventions because you have tried a lot of them and have not been successful.
Most men can easily get ego crushed should they hear that they are not good enough in bed, and are not satisfying their women. But the truth can get his attention, especially if it is coming from a loving and concerned partner. I believe being honest with him about how you feel and how it is now affecting your sex life can maybe help him see that you are concerned and really want him to make a change.
Dear B — On our honeymoon recently, I was crushed when I walked in on my new husband pleasuring himself in the bathroom.
I was so embarrassed I went out for a day of sightseeing without him. Although he apologised for doing this on our honeymoon, he said the act has got nothing to do with me. Unfortunately, I often get flashbacks about the experience.
Boitumelo Replies:
It is normal to experience flashbacks of a shocking and unpleasant experience.
That experience has left you with unpleasant memories that come as flashbacks.
That should fade away once the shock has settled down.
A lot of partners tend to question their worth and adequacy in the relationship because it makes them feel like their partner is not feeling satisfied and is replacing them.
It seems your husband’s apology and reason is still not enough for you. Perhaps you still need to talk to him about it and really be honest about how it affected you. You also need to talk about whether this should be taken as something that forms part of your relationship or not, so that you can make peace with it.
Dear Deidre
I ran a successful business and we had a good life with no money worries.
But I sensed something was not right and she eventually admitted to cheating. We decided to try again but in the end she left me, taking the kids and all our money.
I now live in a tiny flat but still do things as a couple and as a family.
We are both single and I’ve asked her to try again but she just tells me to move on.
DEIDRE SAYS: If she insists she will not get back with you, you cannot force her. You can only accept it.
Being very closely involved with her is keeping you tied to her emotionally and making it harder for you.
Of course you still need to carry on being a father but also need to get your own separate social life going again.
Dear Deidre — I HAVE made mistakes and push people away and now I feel so lonely.
I am a single gay man of 23. When I came out to my parents, they told me it was disgusting, horrible and wrong and they disowned me.
I moved away and met my now ex-boyfriend.
He swore he loved me but he was having casual sex with other men. Then he told me had caught HIV and tests showed he had passed it on to me. I am still in touch with my sister but I have not told her I am HIV positive. I cannot tell anybody.
DEIDRE SAYS: You are naturally deeply hurt being HIV positive is far from the terrible diagnosis it once was, and you can live as long as anyone else.
