Dear Tete Joyie:
My boyfriend wants nothing to do with our baby.
I have a beautiful one-year-old baby girl whom I adore.
However, I split with my boyfriend, her father, soon after falling pregnant, and he has nothing to do with our baby, which has caused my mum to be extremely upset, as she never wanted me to be a single mum.
I can cope with this, but what I am struggling with is the way she tries to take over my daughter’s upbringing.
It is her first grandchild, and she is so overprotective.
She lives close by and is always popping round, sometimes at the most inconvenient time, being very critical of the way I am raising my little girl, and insisting she knows best.
My dad can be a little interfering too, but he knows when to stop, unlike my mum.
I believe I am a good mum, as my baby is developing well, and is really happy, but my mum seems to think she has a right to dictate every aspect of her life.
How can I explain to her the way I am feeling without hurting her feelings?
Tete Joyie says:
Having a baby in the family can be an exciting time for everyone, and you would not want unnecessary conflict to take away that joy.
Try to consider that grandparents generally mean well, and just want to make sure that their grandchildren are well cared for.
Indeed, there are many mums and dads who have no family help or support whatsoever, and would give anything to have doting grandparents for their children.
It may be a while since your parents looked after a baby, but keep in mind that there is a great deal to be said for experience.
Stay open-minded, as some of their suggestions and advice may actually be very helpful.
Your mum may particularly be wanting to take good care of you both as your boyfriend is not around.
Gently explain to her that you value and appreciate her opinion, but ask her to understand that you might have a different way of doing things, and could she please respect this.
Speak from the heart, and tell her that you want to adapt a routine for you and the baby, so could she please try to call before she visits.
Perhaps it could be a good idea in future, when she gives you advice, to listen with a smile – and then do what you feel best.
Also, it may be helpful to see things from your mum’s perspective, as one day your own daughter may have children herself, then you will become the adoring grandmother.
Keep in mind that, no matter how old the children, a mother’s love and protective instinct never wanes.
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Dating married Casanova
Dear Tete Joyie:
I am being humiliated by my married lover.
We are both in our late 30s, work together and have been having an affair for the past few months.
He hardly ever takes me out, preferring to come to my flat where we always end up sleeping together.
Everyone in the office knows about us – his wife is the only one who is in the dark.
But now he has started seeing a much younger colleague.
He takes her out for drinks most evenings after work, and I am sure they are sleeping together, even though he denies it.
As well as having to endure the most dreadful atmosphere in the office, I am now getting lots of amusement, pity, and total lack of respect from other members of staff, which I cannot bear.
Please help me, as I do not know what to do.
Tete Joyie says:
When people function in their own little world at work, married colleagues may not seem very married, but the reality is, they are.
Serious involvement with such a person means a relationship that is, either very limited or very complicated.
Nevertheless, there are times when those meet within the work place, and against the odds secure a happy ending – after all, we cannot always help who we fall in love with.
However, in your case, I am sorry to say, your married lover sounds like a Casanova.
Some people are serial lovers, and not happy unless they make regular conquests.
They attract the vulnerable with their flattery and charm, and once the thrill of the chase is over, become bored and then go on to search for their next victim.
This must be painfully, obvious to your colleagues who are able to see right through him, hence, the tension you are feeling at work.
Naturally, now that your lover is paying attention to another woman, you are feeling angry and betrayed.
But a man who can cheat on his wife, can cheat on his lover too. Remember that very true saying; ‘when a man marries his mistress, he creates a vacancy’.
This man has never made any proper commitment to you, and his latest escapade should come as no surprise.
Do not continue to feed his ego for a minute longer by showing that you care.
Instead, retrieve your dignity by finishing with him. As well as helping to regain the trust and respect of your co-workers, it will enable you to draw a line on this dysfunctional relationship.
By putting up with the way this man has been treating you, clearly indicates you are suffering from low self-esteem.
I strongly advise you to embark on some counselling sessions which could help empower you to meet someone else worthy of you.
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