Dear Tete Joyie:
IT is more than 20 years since I split up with my husband, but I have been sexting him.
He was my first love, and he is under my skin again. I feel like I have lost my mind to him.
We are desperate for each other, but it is far from straightforward.
We have both remarried and have children with our current spouses.
And I admit that I am scared of being hurt by him.
I am 56 and my ex is 58. We met at school and probably married too young, in our early twenties.
We went on to have two beautiful daughters who are now grown up.
We were happy for the first few years, but over time, I started to feel he was taking me for granted.
Feeling neglected, I cheated on him with a colleague.
I regretted it instantly.
It only happened once, but he found out and was devastated.
He could not even look at me, and ended up filing for divorce a month later.
When he met someone new, and went on to have a child with her, I was devastated, and knew I had no choice, but to move on.
In time, I married and had another child.
But at the beginning of this year, we bumped into each other in a supermarket, and I realised how much I missed my ex.
I was delighted when he said he had love to see me again.
We have been in constant contact, including sexting, and have met twice.
It took all our self-control to resist each other in those meetings.
We are both in loveless marriages, and feel life is too short to be apart any longer.
We want to try again, but are prepared to take it slowly.
Tete Joyie says:
First love has deep roots, but that does not mean it will be right the second time around.
While having the occasional thought about an ex is normal, you would be unwise to go there.
You were not a good match because, if you had been, you would still be together.
Remind yourself of that every time you think about starting afresh.
For the sake of your relationship, let go of your ex, and leave him in the past where he belongs.
Tell your husband that you need to work together to make your relationship more satisfying.
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Struggling to cope with retirement
Dear Tete Joyie:
I recently retired from a career I had worked for over 20 years.
I thoroughly considered this decision, and was excited about finally having the time to do the things that the demands of work would not allow.
However, three weeks later, I am regretting my decision.
I miss the purpose my job gave me and the people I used to work with, and actually feel bored at home.
Friends in a similar situation to mine, tell me they would not cope without their computers for keeping in touch with the world, but I would not even know how to get started.
I know that I cannot return to work, but I am struggling to move on.
Do you have any advice?
Tete Joyie says:
Retirement can and should be an exciting time, bringing leisure and freedom to pursue a multitude of interests, to travel or just to slow down and ‘smell the roses’.
However, it can often leave a huge void in your life, and the important thing is to fill that emptiness in such a way that you can remain physically fit, mentally agile, and continue to enjoy social interaction with other people.
Perhaps you could embark on a hobby, join a gym, or church clubs for upcoming activities.
Most importantly, stop being so hard on yourself.
Three weeks is no time to adjust, as you are still at the transitional stage from working to taking life easier.
Make this time count, and try to focus on what you would like to do next. Consider some voluntary work in your local area.
Hopefully you would then feel a sense of fulfilment by doing something useful, thus, resuming a routine you so badly miss, but without the pressure.
Try to grasp technology; it allows you to keep in touch with family and friends all over the world, day and night.
Perhaps embark on a beginners course, where you could meet some like-minded friends while learning new skills.
Think about all those dreams you envisaged, and had to put off due to work commitments. Be positive and get out and about.
When you become a retiree, you can feel like you lose your identity.
But you still have a contribution to make to life as a mature person.
If you can learn to enjoy retirement, you could be rewarded with what may be the most meaningful, creative and fruitful time of your life, and have great fun in the process.
◆ If you are looking for advice on the tricky situation that you find yourself, WhatsApp 0716 069 196 and Tete Joyie will assist you in solving the problem. Remember, all those who write in remain anonymous.
