Dear Tete Joyie:
TWO years ago, when I was pregnant (unplanned) with my third child, I found a note in the pocket of my husband’s suit, which turned out to be from his secretary, who had, I then realised, been his lover for the last five years.
My whole world disintegrated.
When I told him that I knew about his affair, he was not in the slightest apologetic, and seemed relieved that it was out in the open.
He said he loved this lady, and that he had stayed with me for the sake of the children.
It was obvious that he intended to keep seeing her.
I felt trapped, as I did not want him anywhere near me, but I was pregnant with his child, and had nowhere else to go.
I sank into a deep depression, and found it almost impossible to continue with a normal life.
He forbade me from speaking about his affair with anyone, and so my friends, family, and especially my children, had no idea why I had become so withdrawn and desperately unhappy.
My doctor prescribed strong anti-depressants, but these made me feel totally detached and still troubled.
My husband began to stay away for longer periods, and started to treat me with contempt, and I merely became a shell of my former self.
I gave birth to my son, but found it very difficult to bond with him, as he was so demanding.
Since then, I have been trying to cope, but as I have been constantly miserable, most of my friends have gradually walked away, and I am now left feeling very lonely with no support, and wanting to end my life.
It has taken me a few attempts to write this, as I don’t really know how to put my heartache into words or what I expect you to be able to do to help me, but I’m hoping you can.
Tete Joyie says:
Women with children often stay in trapped marriages because leaving can be complicated — but nothing could be worse than living as you are.
You have allowed yourself to be treated appallingly, with neither love nor respect. I urge you to set yourself free from this intolerable situation.
Your husband wants to be with this other woman, yet is too cowardly to make a complete break.
My advice to you is to take control, pack his bags and tell him it is over.
There is no other choice.
By standing up to him, you should hopefully regain yourself respect and no longer feel open to his abuse.
Ask a family member or someone you can trust to be in the house to support you when you confront him.
Having to deal with so much emotional trauma has resulted in you suffering from depression.
You may be associating your son with the exposure of your husband’s infidelity, causing you to struggle with bonding.
With the right help, you can get through these difficulties.
Make a call to your GP right now and explain how you are feeling.
Clearly the antidepressants he prescribed are not working, but you can work together to find the correct medication, which could make all the difference to how you feel.
Please do not feel you are alone, there are excellent organisations wanting to help those in your situation.
They can offer you legal advice, as well as individual and group therapy to improve yourself worth, and help you move on from this destructive relationship.
I doubt your friends have deliberately rejected you, but may have sensed you putting barriers up, and wanted to give you some space.
Be brave; open up to your family and friends, who wouldn’t want you isolating yourself at a time when you very much need and deserve some tender loving care.
In time you should begin to feel stronger and believe that life is very much worth living.
Focus your mind on a new door opening on to the rest of your life, free from the past heartache and misery – then bravely walk through to the new chapter that awaits you.
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Non-existent sex life
Dear Tete Joyie:
I have been married for just over two years to my second husband, who is kind and loving.
The problem is that I don’t find him sexually attractive anymore.
I love and care for him, but, to put it bluntly, no longer fancy him.
I am 52, and menopausal, so keep thinking this may be contributing to my loss of libido, which has now started to affect our relationship.
Our sex life was good when we first met, but it is now almost non-existent.
When we do manage to get it together, the act itself, is very much the same, boring experience.
I want our love life to return to the way it was, but don’t know how to do so.
Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Tete Joyie says:
In the early stages of a relationship, sexual desire can be intense, then generally the passion is replaced by deeper love, warm companionship and familiarity.
Nevertheless, loss of libido can become a serious problem for many couples, and appears to become more common with ageing.
Often when someone is withdrawing from intimacy, they tend to push their partner away, yet, ironically, this is the time when communication is more important than ever.
For many couples, celibacy can become a habit, and the only way to break this pattern is to start indulging again.
Do consider there are many psychological reasons for not wanting to make love, such as stress, poor diet, lack of sleep, and depression.
Contact your GP for a health check to reassure you.
The menopause does not help either, as most hormones have an impact on sexual feelings and behaviour.
You can eliminate any problems here, by requesting a blood test.
Also, do remember, the desire to make love is purely physical.
Sadly, predictable sex can easily become a chore.
Can you share with your husband your desire to rekindle the fireworks between you both?
This should open up the channel of intimacy and help create a reconnection.
Plan ahead for a passionate evening.
It is surprising how sending a few flirty text messages throughout the day can instigate sensual thoughts.
Prepare an easy supper, so you won’t feel tired, enjoy a candlelit bath together, and see where this leads — which may not necessarily be to the bedroom.
Variety can make for great excitement.
We can all take what we have for granted.
Remind yourself of all the things you used to find seductive about your husband, then re-visit those memories, which could reignite the spark between the sheets.
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