How long do we have to date before we get married?

Ann Ruthenburg
Hello there everyone, I am so happy to be back it’s amazing. I have been crazy busy, starting with volunteering to assist people in Chimanimani and Nyanga for the last two months to setting up a community Centre etc.

All the while I have been storing up all your marriage and wedding questions. Thank you to all those readers who expressed their concern at not seeing my write-ups each Friday. Seasons are different and one must be wise with each season. But I’m back and ready to chat to you about all the things you need to know on marriage, relationships and weddings. This week’s question is — How long do we have to date before we get married?

 When should a couple get married? After two years? After five? Is there any reason to wait?

In other words, if dating is an important part of determining if someone is right for you, after how long will you have enough information to know?

Personally, I believe when you are dating, you are dating the shadow of the real person. It is only when you are married that the real person comes out. And even then it takes a life time for every aspect of the person to come out. People change as they age, and most of the time, their partner plays only a small role in the change. So I believe it is not the length of the dating that matters; it is the quality of the relationship whilst dating that matters.

Instead of focusing on how long you’ve been dating, consider these other ways to evaluate whether you’re both ready for marriage.

Is your relationship stable?

Marriage isn’t a magical experience that will instantly transform an unstable, unhealthy relationship into a stable, healthy one. One reason some couples experience sharp declines in satisfaction during the first two years of marriage, is because they entered into their marriage with the illusion that their unstable partner or relationship will change a relationship. This leads to disillusionment and disappointment.

How much do you know about your partners past?

One problem that can detour a marriage that seems to be headed in the right direction is the introduction of unexpected new knowledge about a partner. For instance; do they have money issues? Do they have kids you do not know? How much influence will their mother or sisters have in your marriage? What are their religious beliefs on certain subjects. Do they want to have boy or girls nights without you? Are the ex-girlfriends/boyfriends still in their lives? Learning more about your partner now could ward off some common sources of conflict. Pre-marital counselling is therefore a necessity in my view.

Is your relationship based on a ‘Fatal attraction?’

Sometimes what attracts us to a certain person can ultimately become what drives us nuts about that partner. We call these “fatal attractions.” When a partner is dissimilar from us in a specific way, or has traits that are extreme (alcohol abuse, drugs, ecessive partying, emotional issues, sexual issues etc., — we sometimes see these as highly attractive qualities during relationship initiation. But they later become highly disliked qualities that can reduce relationship satisfaction. Prior to entering a long-term commitment, consideration of you and your partner’s long-term compatibility along the dimensions that connected you could be an important step in identifying potential “fatal attractions.”

Entering a marriage blindly can have a high risk of marriage failure. But thinking of failure before you start the journey is another way of destroying a marriage before it starts. So be positive, be deliberate in your efforts towards marriage and be honest with each other. If you are not ready, don’t do it.

Are your expectations too high?

The difference between expectation and reality is the measure of disappointment a couple feels during marriage. Discuss your expectations realistically with each other. Do not look at each other with rose coloured glasses, see the person as they really are.

Finally, there is ‘no one-size-fits-all’ when it comes to a time frame for when couples are ready to transition to a greater commitment like marriage. Couples enter into relationships at different ages and stages in their lives; however, evaluating how well you know your partner, your relationship certainty, what you’re expecting marriage will do to your relationship, and what you see as the current and anticipated quality of a relationship could be more useful ways to judge if it’s truly time to take the plunge.

Until next week, God bless!

 

Minister Ann Ruthenburg (International Women of Authority and Destiny)  (0714 487 470)