Dear Tete Joyie:
Three months ago, I met a man on the internet, and we speak at least once a day.
It sounds quite ridiculous for me to say this, but we have fallen in love, even though we are both married to other people.
He has two young children and I have three.
Luckily he lives a great distance away, otherwise I would be tempted to meet up and embark on an affair.
My husband and I just don’t communicate anymore, and each time I speak with this other extremely attentive man, who makes me feel wanted and desirable, it reinforces how bad my marriage has become.
I cherish the moments I spent with my online lover, and the intimacy we share.
I know what I am doing is wrong, and I still have feelings for my husband, and wish things will improve between us, but I am struggling to give up the excitement of the other man.
Can you see a way forward for me?
Tete Joyie says:
The online environment is the perfect breeding ground for fantasies, allowing us to ascribe all the wonderful qualities we want in a partner to someone we have never met.
This may seem harsh to digest, but falling in love on the web is more desperation than reality.
You have stepped into a dangerous make-believe world and, if allowed to continue, you could become very restless and resent your husband for what you cannot have, which could turn into a difficult situation.
Your relationship with this man you haven’t even met, is not real. It is simply a form of escapism from what has become a dull marriage.
What is real, is what you have, and should be working on keeping, not putting your energy into something that could become your downfall.
Maybe your husband would start to communicate better if you focus more on your family life, and stop betraying him for imaginary passion.
At times, every marriage has problems, and working together to solve and get through such difficulties is what bonds and enhances the relationship.
You say you still have feelings for your husband, so build on those feelings.
Get away with your husband for a short break, or even an overnight stay.
Spending quality time talking and relaxing together will hopefully enable you to start enjoying each other’s company again.
Nevertheless, to reconnect with your husband, you must let go of your fantasy and fully disconnect yourself from this other man.
Go and pull the plug on that computer, and get back in the real world.
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Son’s erratic behaviour worries mom
Dear Tete Joyie:
My 30-year-old daughter has been happily married for 10 years now, while my 25-year-old son is still drifting from one relationship to another.
He introduces his girlfriends to us as the love of his life, and a few months later, it will be all over.
My husband and I have enjoyed wedded bliss for over 35 years.
It is extremely upsetting that while one of our children seems to have followed our example, the other has not.
I am becoming increasingly concerned by my son’s erratic behaviour.
Tete Joyie says:
Having blissfully happy parents can sometimes be an unexpected disadvantage.
Your son could be approaching every relationship with totally unrealistic expectations.
If he measures every one of his new relationships up against what he experiences at home, he is soon going to feel disappointed.
It may be that you are applying unfair demands. Introducing every new girlfriend as ‘The One’, could possibly be because he feels that is what you want to hear – and it seems to me that he is desperately trying to seek your approval.
He is still young enough to be playing the field, and maybe you should let him do so, free from the weight of your expectations.
While it is a comfort for you to know that your daughter is happily married, you cannot compare your son’s situation to hers, as this could eventually cause him to resent you.
He has his own unique personality, that if you were to embrace, could enrich your relationship.
Trust that he is an adult, able to make his own choices and believe based on his many experiences, that when he is ready, your son will hopefully be able to make a good decision that is right for him – not one that is expected of him.
