Dear Tete Joyie:
My best friend has just had a baby at the age of 48.
Both of us have grown up children and have shared so much together.
However, the thoughts of going through the baby years again with her feels me with horror, and would make me feel I would be going backwards, not forwards with our friendship.
Indeed, our adult children now have their own lives, and are trying to have their own babies.
I have met up with my friend a handful of times, and I am ashamed to say, I could not wait to get away from the baby crying and demanding all of my friend’s attention.
I am getting no pleasure from visiting her now, and find we have little, if anything, in common.
I try to keep in contact by telephone, rather than endure the baby dominated visits, but it is becoming increasingly difficult to engage in conversation with her as she is constantly pre-occupied with the baby.
Do you think I am being selfish and unreasonable?
Tete Joyie Says:
Friends who are alongside us during our life stages are special to us because we share valuable experiences together, which become a huge part of our memories, and that applies whether we are young carefree students, newly married, and if we have babies, young children or teenagers.
We support each other through all the stress, pain, heartache, celebrations and happiness life can bring.
I can understand your feelings or frustration and impatience with your friend, as it would be difficult trying to have a meaningful conversation interrupted by a baby.
Nevertheless, it seems sad to turn your back on decades of friendship because of something that could be remedied with mutual compromise and understanding.
Could you suggest to your friend that you meet when the baby can be looked after, so as you can both enjoy quality time together?
I am sure she would appreciate some time out, and cherish a welcome relief from baby talk, and if she does want to boast about her new born, be ready to listen, as this will help re-establish the bond.
While we can feel comfortable having friends with same interests and goals, it can also bring some freshness, intrigue and excitement to a friendship when two people have different things going on in their lives.
Do also remember that one day soon, you may have a grandchild, and your friend could be the best possible person to have on call.
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Family victim of mom’s unacceptable behaviour
Dear Tete Joyie:
I feel I am such a bad mother to my two children, aged 11, and 13, and I hate myself for it, because I do love them.
The problem is that I have an extremely volatile temperament.
Sometimes I am really happy, and none of life’s trials and tribulations get me down, but at other times, I have such anger inside me for everyone and everything, and absolutely no patience.
At these times, I am totally unreasonable and can shout and cry.
I feel so alone, and that everything in my world is black, and that I am totally worthless.
When I feel calm again, I cannot even understand what set me off, and it actually frightens me that I seem to have no control over my emotions.
My children must be so confused and obviously it upsets them, as the same action from them can bring such differing reactions in me, depending on my mood.
My husband, extended family, and friends are often victims of my unacceptable behaviour too.
Is there anything you can suggest to help me, as I am not coping with life very well at the moment?
Tete Joyie Says:
Your mood swings, low self-esteem and intolerance of others are engulfing you, making it hard for you to function, as well as interfering with your ability to enjoy life.
These are symptoms of depression, which I believe you may be suffering from.
If so, there is no need to be fearful, as this is treatable.
Many associate the word depression with crying and sadness, not anger, which is why often this illness remains undetected.
Your feelings of hopelessness and helplessness are contributing to your aggressive behaviour, which in turn is affecting the way you are treating your partner and friends, and the way you inconsistently discipline and react to your children.
While your illness remains untreated, this anger becomes a way of life. As parents, we are our children’s role models.
If children see their parents explode at the slightest thing, they will think that is a normal reaction, and that it is acceptable for them to behave in this way.
Try not to be so hard on yourself though.
You are not a bad mother.
In fact, by expressing your concerns, you are acting responsibly and courageously by admitting you have a problem.
Isolation fuels depression, therefore, for the sake of both your family and yourself, I urge you to reach out for the help you so desperately need.
The simple act of talking to close friends or family about the way you feel can be a great comfort.
Is there someone you can trust, who will listen to you without judgement?
You need to seek professional help imminently.
Your general practitioner could discuss medication with you to treat your depression and could refer you for counselling to help you better understand what triggers your anger, and how to lift and stabilise your mood.
Request some blood tests for iron and folic acid deficiency too, as the lack of these essential nutrients could affect your nervous system, and cause extreme tiredness and irritability.
Regular exercise can be very effective in countering the effects of depression, although understandably, you may not feel like it at first.
Changing your diet may also be beneficial, as certain foods can adversely affect your mood, such as sugar, coffee, refined carbohydrates, processed foods and alcohol.
Please, act right now, and in time, you should feel better, especially if you get the support you deserve, which will hopefully lift the veil of depression, so you can enjoy life again, and, most importantly, your children.
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