The ManicaPost
DEAR DEIDRE: MY ex says we are over but I’m struggling to accept it.
I’m a 55-year-old man and she’s 45. We met online and have been together for three years.
She wanted to get married but I’m a divorcee so I didn’t want to commit to somebody again.
She gave me an ultimatum, then she ended it. But I loved her and still do.
I’ve tried dating again but I can’t get over her. I put on a brave face for my family and friends but I am in pieces.
DEIDRE SAYS: You sound so sad but why let a bad experience in the past wreck a potentially happy future?
If you get help to understand why your relationship went wrong — and how to avoid those mistakes — you could eventually get back together with the woman you love. Let your ex know that you are trying to move mountains (of misery) for her sake.
DEAR DEIDRE: A GOOD sex life is one of the most important things for a happy marriage, I believe — but I don’t know how to explain that to my wife.
I am 36 and she is 32. We have been married for five years. It was an arranged marriage.
Our sex life was regular in the beginning though it was always in the same position.
I asked my wife to try to vary it but she wouldn’t agree.
We only have sex once a month now. She never kisses or cuddles me.
I have given up hoping things will change.
DEIDRE SAYS: If she was brought up in a protective family, she may feel inhibited sexually. Have you helped her discover her own sexual responsiveness? Does she enjoy regular orgasms?
Ask her to explore this with you for both your sakes. My e-leaflet on Orgasm For Women explains self-help sex therapy. Also check whether she is happy with your life together outside the bedroom.
DEAR DEIDRE: MY partner’s daughter thanked me for collecting her from the station after a night out with a full-on French kiss. Now we have sex whenever her mum isn’t around. I’m in a mess.
My partner is an IT project manager and often has to travel for her work. I am 38 and she is 43.
She was away one night when her daughter phoned me asking for a lift home. She’s 21 and had been out drinking with friends. She was at the station and there were no taxis.
When she got in the car she smiled and said, “You’re a hero,” and gave me a passionate kiss.
I should have guessed that responding would turn into sex and stopped it there and then but I didn’t. I kissed her back and we had a romp when we got back to the house.
I know what I did was stupid but it was mind-blowing.
The next day I could not stop thinking about her. I felt like I was a teenager again. We talked and decided there was no way we could tell my partner and that we had to make sure she didn’t find out. We both agreed that we regretted what we had done.
But the next time we talked, she admitted she had always fancied me. She does not have a boyfriend at the moment and says she is missing male company.
I was surprised at how experienced she was in bed. I have always thought of her as just a kid during the three years I have been with her mother.
Now I realise she is far from it. She is an experienced, sexually aware young woman.
Things in the bedroom have not been great between me and my partner recently although I do love her. What started as a fling with her daughter has now become a full-blown affair. It is on my mind all day and I can’t wait for my partner to be away somewhere.
I dread my stepdaughter finding another boyfriend. She has a busy social life and I am sure she will meet someone before long.
DEIDRE SAYS: You know this affair is not leading anywhere except to a lot of anger and misery all round.
It is wrong to encourage this young woman to keep deceiving her mother. You might find another partner but she can never find another mum.
Tell her you must stop having sex. Avoid her as far as possible while you know you are still feeling tempted.
Pour fresh energy into your relationship with your partner. It will help distract you and it is what is needed for long-term happiness.
Ask her for her view on what has gone wrong sexually. It may not be about sex. Maybe she feels you don’t pull your weight around the home while she’s away, for example.
