Dear Tete Joyie:
My daughters, aged 24 and 26, are worrying me lately, as there is a distance growing between them.
They no longer text each other, and seem very unconcerned for the other’s happiness.
The problem started over one daughter’s boyfriend, who can be quite unfriendly and opinionated, and who my elder daughter has taken an extreme dislike to.
Her sister obviously wants him to be liked by the family, and gets hurt when she is told: ‘I don’t care about him!’.
Other seemingly small differences of opinion occurred and these became blown up out of all proportion.
Things worsened when the older sister moved away, while the younger is still at home with me.
I now feel very much in the middle.
They have different characters, but always got on, until now.
We always communicate, and the couple tell me that they think their sister is at fault, but there are two sides to their arguments, and when I try and placate them, I am accused of siding with the other.
My efforts to calm the situation do not seem to work and each expects the other to change.
How can I make them see that they must sort this out before it gets even worse?
Tete Joyie says:
Having two adult children who have chosen to feud, is undoubtedly worrying for you.
However, it is important to separate your wants and needs from theirs.
We all have dreams, hopes, and expectations for our children.
A mother’s wish is for her offspring to get on, and as much as you want to make things right for them, ultimately this is beyond your control.
In fact, the more you try to intervene, the more your daughters will probably rebel and turn against you.
What you can control, however, is the level of distress this situation is causing you.
Let them know how upset you are at their behaviour towards each other, and that you do not want to be drawn into their arguments.
As adults, they need to act responsibly and resolve the situation themselves before it develops into an irreparable state.
Instead of acting as a mediator, which is clearly not working, take a step back, and, without your input, they may then realise just how over exaggerated their problems have become.
Often when siblings fall out, it is their immaturity and lack of appreciation for each other that escalates matters.
Without taking sides, or being interested in the details of the argument, emphasise to your girls that life is about compromise.
We all need to learn to accept each other’s differences.
Ask them how they feel life would be without their sibling, and in time they may see sense and move forward to a mutual resolution.
Continue to be the warm, caring mother you clearly are to your daughters.
Hopefully, they will understand that while you may not always agree with them, or like their behaviour, you still continue to respect and love them unconditionally.
I believe this will inspire them to follow your valuable guidance.
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Bragging hubby annoys me
Dear Tete Joyie:
My husband spent his early 20s working in the United States of America, doing all kinds of jobs, and he still describes that period as the best time of his life.
I find this to be so insulting since he is now married to me, and we have two lovely little children.
Recently, we were at a party when he started bragging about his US years and I just lost it.
How do I make him understand how insensitive he is being?
He also tells our friends at any given opportunity that he has always been popular with women and has not lost his charm.
How dare he make such comments.
I do love him, but am beginning to think he is not the man I married, which is causing me to resent him.
I do not think he deserves me or our beautiful children.
My friends think he is a joke which is very embarrassing for me.
Please, can you offer me some advice.
Tete Joyie Says:
A relationship should not be a battle to see who has had the best experiences.
It can also be difficult to live with someone who gives the impression that they have seen and done it all.
Sometimes when things are not going right, people tend to look back on the past with rose tinted-spectacles.
The need for your husband to convince both yourself and others that he is highly thought of is a sign of insecurity, and by shifting it and projecting it to you, he is reassuring himself.
He is covering up his lack of confidence by displaying unacceptable behaviour, typical of the sort of person who values themselves so little they are always afraid they are not loved.
The only way to work through such anxiety is to work on self-esteem.
Counselling could be very helpful to your husband, but first, he needs to admit that he has a problem which may not be easy.
You need to have a proper chat with him, and make it clear that you are not a jealous person, but his constant trips down memory lane are wearing you down.
Ask him how he would like it if you were constantly reminiscing about the fun times you shared in the past with your friends.
Discuss what you can do to enhance your relationship; when working hard to bring up a young family you can sometimes lose sight of each other’s needs as a couple.
Spend some special time together so as you can both feel loved and appreciated.
Hopefully your husband will begin to see he cannot continue to act in this way, as he could risk losing the life he has now.
While memories are precious, the past cannot be allowed to intrude on the present.
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