The ManicaPost
Dr Mazvita Machinga
Health Matters
Of late, I have been attending to a lot of troubled marital relationships.
As a mental health professional, I have realised that for many married individuals there are stressors, ups and downs of daily life that affect marriage relationships.
What impacts one person may also impact the other person. For example, stress experienced by one individual may spill over to negatively impact marital functioning.
When things are not working well, troubled couples often ask this question, can this relationship be fixed?
You know what, I always wonder how two people who were once so much in love suddenly no longer want to even talk to each other or even be together.
Yes, it is happening.
Remember how you felt when you first met your spouse, and the joy of discovering who she or he was like? Too many of us end up being caught in the day-to-day stresses and the distractions of various things like cellphones, emails, newspapers, other friends and forget the simple pleasure of spending time with the one that you love.
Do you often pause and ponder on conversations that bring you as a couple closer?
One important thing to know is that where there is love, relationships can be repaired.
It becomes complicated and sometimes unhealthy to repair when there is abuse or ill treatment of any sort.
Having exhausted all the tools in their toolbox, couples come to therapy as their last resort, feeling rather hopeless and helpless. It is important to note that repairing a relationship doesn’t require a personality makeover, but it does take effort and energy to hone your communication skills and create deeper intimacy and connection to the one you love.
The following are some of the ways that may start you on your way to repair an ailing marital relationship:
Face, discuss and embrace your differences
Let it be known that in marital relationships people differ in views and perceptions. It is okay. It is not good pretending and appearing as if all is okay or try to look good on the outside, but underneath it all you have a mountain of hurt, anger, resentment, sadness, and fear that you are not sharing.
They may be “pleasers” who avoid conflict at all costs. Or maybe one person controls the relationship and the other submits. Either way, you are not facing and embracing your issues.
Reinvigorate/rekindle your love connection
Engage each other and avoid boredom with your spouse. Do things together that keep your love burning.
Practice effective communication skills
The deepest emotional connections of love and intimacy are the ones where you and your spouse genuinely communicate and express the most difficult feelings at the most difficult times in a loving way without turning away from each other but turning towards each other.
You can learn how to communicate in a healthy manner.
Create dialogue about your joys and concerns
State your thoughts without judgment, attack, or blame. Be specific, constructive, and positive when dialoguing.
Use “I” statements to send express thoughts and feelings
Own your part of the problem. Tell your spouse how his or her behaviour affects you and why, e.g., “When you come home late, I feel lonely. I would be happy if we could agree on this…
Listen fully without interrupting your spouse ’s story.
Do not be judgemental. Everyone’s perception is valid and important. Ignoring your spouse is the worst thing you can ever do.
Empathise with your spouse’s feelings
Feelings are never right or wrong, they are just feelings.
And all of them are genuine. Expressing empathy validates that you heard your spouse ’s feelings without judgment; e.g., “I understand that’s how it makes you feel.”
Work as a team to resolve problems
After each spouse has had an opportunity to be heard, it is much easier to be rational and work toward solutions.
Be responsible for your actions
Identify specific actions each person can take to fix his or her portion of the problem.
Engage in small acts of love every day
Create the habit of expressing love and loving your spouse. This will grow your relationship and intimacy.
Be grateful
Express gratitude for “the things your spouse is supposed to do anyway.” Saying thank you is very important.
Most importantly, seek professional help or couple therapy if you continue to struggle.
Remember, “Love is not only about finding the right person but creating the right relationship. It’s not about how much love you have in the beginning but how much love you build and maintain till the end.” — Unknown.
Dr Mazvita Machinga, is a qualified psychotherapist based in Mutare. For couple and marriage counselling feel free to call 0771 754 519 or 08080482.
